My wild soul had a moment where I thought I was ready to settle down, maybe start a family, and tame my nomadic urges. But now, since the love has practically vacated my once strong relationship, I wonder if those thoughts were only delusions. When I see children at the doctors office, or families at the park, I no longer feel that maternal urge to procreate. Perhaps I'm not meant to settle down and have children. At least, I know that I'm not ready just yet. I can't imagine giving my life to a child. It may sound harsh, but I just can't see it. I know, and believe, that there is no love greater than a childs love, but I need to find and love myself first. How could I be capable of giving it to someone else if I don't know myself enough to respect and love myself. Maybe it's part selfishness, but it's more of me being honest with myself. The pressures of todays society, to settle down with a husband and children used to affect me, but I have found a sense of contentment in the idea that it may not be in my stars. I want to want those things, to want a family of my own, a stable and secure life. Unfortunately, because of personal experiences, I have practically lost all faith in people and it scares me to bring children into such an unstable environment. The traveling bug has been gnawing at me again, I feel the need to get back out there. I'm not finished experiencing the world and all that it has to offer. I'm a little scared to leave the familiarity of my current life, and I know I will miss some aspects of it, but I'm not sure that is reason enough to stay around. I feel as though I am missing out on life; as though I am wasting my youth. I have given too many years to unhappiness and confusion, it is time to find happiness and strength. It's not an easy step, but it's one that needs to be taken. I deserve to find myself, and exhaust my passion; to be happy. Who knows who I will become, where I'll end up, or how I'll get there, but I'm looking ahead and I'm excited to see where my map will take me.
Your post reminds me of this documentary I watched called "One Born Every Minute" it's a crew filming mother's giving birth in the UK and I swear to you , after watching that no woman would want to give birth EEKK there's no crude images or anything , but the sheer pain and trauma they go through seems horrific and unnecessary !
ReplyDeleteThe one thing which scares me the most is giving birth to this child and when he/ she grows up and has no emotional connection with you would be the most devastating part of me ever. My mother always told me that love is a gamble, I think I would rephrase that and say life is a gamble. We don’t know what’s going to happen in the next twenty minutes let alone the next twenty years.
Alas sounds like such a sad way to look at life, which is way we shouldn’t dwell on the little things and just go-with-the-flow ^_^
I understand what you're saying. It is a gamble...Just gotta live it to the fullest! Enjoy each minute! Thanks for the comment! :)
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