~Me Time~

~New Pics~

2010-12-03T23:02:00.000-06:00

Check out my other blog ....It has been updated with a bunch of new photos from several shoots! You ladies were amazing! :) Miss you all!!

2010-11-18T20:43:00.003-06:00

After a seven hour drive, with a gps that couldn't be charged, I finally make it to where I will now call home; Atlanta, GA. I arrived early Sunday evening, exhausted from the lack of sleep from the night before. (You know I had to say bye the proper way...a night out, of course... ) I was excited that my old car made it. D met me at the door. He had been taking a nap, and probably would have continued if my growling stomach hadn't been contesting that idea. With that we unloaded my car into the storage unit we rented and then decided to share a sandwich from Subway. (btw, it closes an hour earlier here....not happy!) After our fancy dinner, we decided to call it a night. We caught each other up on the past week that we had been apart, and fell asleep to the sounds of Criminal Minds playing on the tv. Romantic, I know; no tears please... ;)

Waking early to get a head start on the day, we decide to start with contacting the apartment complex we had decided on. I could hardly contain my excitement! We were finally going to have a place to settle into after months of living as modern nomads. We had been blessed with a great friend who had really helped us out until we were able to make this move, but now we were finally taking that next step.

We decide to stop by the storage unit to grab my laptop so I could later search for jobs. As I open the storage door and grab the bag I needed, I noticed that my clothing and shoes that were stored were soaked from the rain leaking through. I contact the manager, who informs me that they are not at all liable, and rudely walks off. She had that "too bad for you" attitude. We cover our things with plastic the best we could and had to leave it as it was. As we try to exit the property, we encountered the fire department clearing a wreck. Well, actually, they were standing around talking, supposedly oblivious to the fact that we were trying to exit. I had to get out of the car, in the rain, and approach them to get clearance to leave. So far, the day was not a good one.

We try to stay calm and positive and head to the apartment complex. On the road we witness a crazy driver swerving in and out of ongoing traffic, barely avoiding an accident. Determined, we head on, making it there, surprisingly in good spirits. Once there the leasing agent informs us that the paperwork wasn't yet complete and that I needed to fill out an application separately from papi. I was a little irritated because she could have told us this when he had submitted his application, but hey, nobody's perfect; no big deal, I just filled out the paperwork and let her do her job. After completing the application we were given Wednesday as our move-in day. I could handle a couple days, no problem.

The rest of Monday and all of Tuesday were dedicated to the exploration of the city and the search for jobs. We planted ourselves in the mall and abused the free wifi privileges. I was feeling rather accomplished and proud of all that I had gotten done in such a short time. And I just knew we'd be in the apartment that next morning, crossing another task off of my list.

I woke up early wednesday, packed my things, and prepared myself for the big move-in day. During a quick trip to wal-mart for a few basic necessities, I called the leasing agent to confirm our move-in. It was then that she informs me that I hadn't been approved yet, so it would be postponed until the next day. At this point, my irritation increased to anger. Mi papi felt the same way, so we decided to visit our "friend" the leasing agent. We were greeted by her terrified face. She calmed down but was once again unhelpful and rude, and we left angrier than before.

Since we were unable to control the apartment situation, we went about our day, searching jobs and I started planning the decor for our "soon-to-be" apartment. A trip to Ikea and a delicious African dinner calmed me down and we headed home to rest early.

It is now Thursday morning, and although we were awake early, we took our time getting ready to go to the apartment complex. We arrived at 9:00 am, and are approached by a stern looking older lady. I assumed she was the property manager and expected better customer service than we had been subjected to during this past week. Unfortunately, my assumption was dead wrong. She informs us that the apartment is not clean per company standard and that they needed another hour before we could get in.

Now, I'm highly pissed off. I asked if we could at least look at it, to make sure the reviews I had read online weren't true. She rudely tells me, "absolutely not!" I had to bite my tongue and leave at this point; I was fuming. Mi papi was ticked off as well, though he has a much calmer personality than me. He calmed me down and we went for breakfast and a walk.

At 11:30 (we gave them extra time) we head back to the apartment complex. As we pulled in, I was immediately disgusted, and negative energy surrounded the place. I was sick of the inefficiency and bad customer service, but we had come this far, I figured we might as well look at the apartment. I exchanged my ID for a key and we set off for apt 16f.

Upon entering, I immediately go to the kitchen. Within 10 seconds, my fears of the reviews being true were proved right as the nasty little bug scurried into a crack in the cabinet. I was done, I didn't need to see anything else. We walked through the apartment anyway noticing the filthy carpets and worn down appearance. D was saluted goodbye by a smaller scurrying roach glided across the refrigerator.

We arrived at the commons building, I entered with the key and retrieved my ID. The young leasing agent knowingly asked me, "so you won't be taking it?" I replied sarcastically, "after your fantastic customer service and the roaches, no we won't be taking it." I left quickly before I reacted in a more dramatic fashion. I was beyond pissed off and knew myself.

We left there, bidding it good riddance. D knew of one other place he had seen before and had been impressed with. It cost a little more, but wasn't excessive. We went to that complex, where we were warmly greeted and shown around. The polite and personable leasing agent looked out for our best interest and quickly started the process. Within the hour, everything was practically completed and we will be moving in on Saturday! We already saw the apartment that we will be assigned; I am happy to report that it was roach-free! Although the initial excitement has been stolen from us, we are happy to have finally found a decent place to start out in. I can't wait to move-in and get started.

2010-11-06T11:31:00.000-05:00

A week away from another big move in my life. This time, it is a little more permanent than past moves. Before, I left for unfamiliar territory, a little scared but I knew I would return in 6 months, or 9 months. This time, it is for real. I have no idea what to expect. I am excited but nervous. I know there are so many more opportunities in Atlanta, but the anticipation of the unknown brings about a hesitation that I just can't seem to shake. A ver donde me encuentro!

2010-09-26T15:49:00.002-05:00

Close your eyes and jump....

No peeking...

That will ruin the surprise.

~Photo-Blog~

2010-07-22T22:45:00.000-05:00

Check out the new Photo-Blog! :) www.metimephotography.blogspot.com

~The Guarded Victim~

2010-07-16T02:25:00.000-05:00

Don't just stand there,
looking around with blank eyes and empty pockets.
How dare you judge me,
when you, yourself, lack any common morality.
Sharp words fly off your tongue,
aiming for my most delicate spots.
How dare you insult my intelligence with your mispronounced words.
Your selfishness disgusts me
as you carelessly degrade all those around you.
I feel no pity for your guarded, victim act;
I've seen that play before.
So fire away if you must, lash out and cut me; some blood may show.
I hope it was all worth it in the end,
when you find yourself sad and alone.

July '10

~If I Were A Bird~

2010-05-24T00:06:00.000-05:00

If I were a bird,
I would fly....
I would fly!
With the air massaging my wings,
The sun kissing my face.
Free...
Freed from my cage,
I am changing direction.
I will fly...
Until I arrive in a new world.
Until I find a peaceful life.
I will continue to fly...

~P.S. I Love You~

2010-05-23T23:20:00.000-05:00

I know what it is not to feel like you’re in the room until he looks at you;

Until he touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense;

Just to let everyone know you’re with him;

You’re his...

~Still Lost....~

2010-05-21T11:54:00.000-05:00

~"I feel suspended high in the air, hovering over several different safety nets, none of which feel like reality. I am unable to lower myself safely into any of the sticky spider webs; as though I don´t fully belong anywhere and full of the fear of getting caught up. Lost in nothing yet surrounded by everything. It´s such an empty feeling; so many people yet I feel so alone and confused. It´s as though I´m a lost puppy just trying to find her way home to loving arms and caring hands. The face that should accompany those hands is nothing but a blur. Where do I belong? Who am I really? Wanting to be in a thousand places at once yet unable to connect myself fully to any of the options awaiting me. Where will I fall? Who will catch me? Will someone even be there, with the want to lend a hand in bandaging the bleeding cuts; bright red and fresh from the fall? Will they accept all of me? The Me who is covered in deep, purple bruises that I´ve accumulated on the way down. A damaged soul covered in the newly self-inflicted marks as well as the already aged scars. I´m a mangled mess, with hands as broken as my heart and hair matted from the sweat from running. My innocence shredded by the piercing branches of insecurity. A twisted Alice in Wonderland following the cuddly rabbit into the deep pit, then destroying everything in her terrifying, yet exciting, path. Will I find peace of mind and leave this destructive side of me on the cloud on which I have been floating? Or will I continue on, once again burning my handwritten map, leaving me forever stranded and lost? A shadow of the girl I once was wandering aimlessly in search of her true self?
As I read this, I realize how far I have yet to come. I’ve since fallen off that cloud into a much deeper fog. There has been no clarity, there has been no peace, there are no caring hands waiting to comfort and heal me. I find myself more alone than ever. Broken to the core and hurting myself more and more each day. Overwhelmed by insecurities; the same insecurities that brought me here in the first place. Anger and pain are all consuming; overtaking all other emotions. No longer in control of myself, I feel so helpless. Worthless may be the correct word as I don’t even know myself anymore. I don’t like who I’ve become, why should anyone else? Wallowing in a pit of self pity is usually not my style, but I have begun to wonder why? Why am I not deserving of happiness? Why can’t I have that unconditional love? Why am I not good enough? I’m tired of it being so hard. I feel as though I am going mad. These chains that I’ve wrapped around myself now outsmart me as I can’t get untangled. If misery is all there is then why do I even bother? A bit dramatic, perhaps, but when the breaking of one’s heart causes this much physical pain… I wonder, what is the point of it all? What are we working towards? Daily monotony that drags on without change as the years fly by. Is this how it will always be?"~

~Daily Path~

2010-03-14T18:54:00.002-05:00

(This is something that I found in my electronic storage of thoughts. I had written it while in Spain last year one lonely, pensive night. I still remember the breeze blowing my hair as I wrote it and the effect that the wine had taken on me. I sometimes miss those late nights...just me, my pen, and an ocean breeze.)

Cigarettes and red wine on a cool summer night relaxes me as I am sitting on the quiet terrace that, for now, I call home. It is a temporary home; one of the many that I have come to have in these last several years. They ask me when I will settle down in one place; when I will fall in love, get married, and have children. They just don’t understand my ways of being. I, myself, find it hard to understand at times. That doesn’t mean I will conform to what is considered the 'normal' path of life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like. What is it like to have a place to call home? What is it like to have someone waiting on me each night when I get in? What is it like to build and raise a family? While these fleeting thoughts occasionally pass through my head I just can’t imagine myself any other way. The life I lead, while not traditional, is mine. It is distinct, one that only I can call my own. I have had many ups, many downs, and oh so many in-betweens. It has been a crazy ride that has taken me to the other side of the world. To a very different world from what I was used to. The best part about it is that I have survived. I have made it in a world where I couldn’t speak the language, where I didn’t know how to react in otherwise normal social situations, where the cultural differences tested my strength each and every day. It is, at times, a scary world, but the height of satisfaction I have reached and the self confidence I have gained makes it all worth it. I’m making it on my own, living my life day by day, reaching new highs with every step I take. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had temptations to settle down. I have fallen in love, thought seriously of children, and wanted desperately to have a stable place to come home to. For one reason or another it never quite worked out. Many reasons have come into play. At times people had let me down, other times things just didn’t quite equal out, and most commonly I fled running in the other direction. I have made many mistakes; and I can’t justify them with any reasonable explanation; however I continue here. I’m still doing what I do, living my life and enjoying each second. Even though the lonely moments greatly weigh the scale in their direction, I can’t complain. I may not know who I am entirely, or have a steady home, but I am healthy and living my life with a heart full of love and gratitude for every person and experience that has came into my path. I continue to pray that I am going down the right path, but for now that’s all I have. Prayer and a hope that I will eventually get it all right, that all of this will add up to something amazing and good. I have faith and will continue on my day by day quest to my future. Wherever it is that I may end up.

~Closing and Opening Doors~

2010-03-04T13:24:00.002-06:00

When one door closes, another one opens. That’s what they always say, at least. They never go on to describe the pain associated with every creak of the closing door. Why does the first door even have to close first before we are permitted to unbolt the door unlocking the new roads? Why can’t we just leave all the doors open and keep the house full of fresh air and daisies? That notion is much more appealing in my opinion.

I’m a typical young woman; full of aspirations, fears, and desires. I have had amazing experiences, great friendships, as well as hill top mansions full of closed doors. In spite of the numerous disappointments and tears, I still seek out the perfect path that is not littered with speed bumps, fallen trees, or uneven gravel. Whether or not it is to ever be found, I don’t know, but I’m determined to keep up the search. I feel that I have exhausted the possibilities for the future without coming to a conclusion. Perhaps I need to key into some of those locked doors and examine the ransacked rooms once more. The answer has to lie between dusty shelves and broken relationships.

~Wild Soul Torn~

2010-02-28T23:11:00.002-06:00

My wild soul had a moment where I thought I was ready to settle down, maybe start a family, and tame my nomadic urges. But now, since the love has practically vacated my once strong relationship, I wonder if those thoughts were only delusions. When I see children at the doctors office, or families at the park, I no longer feel that maternal urge to procreate. Perhaps I'm not meant to settle down and have children. At least, I know that I'm not ready just yet. I can't imagine giving my life to a child. It may sound harsh, but I just can't see it. I know, and believe, that there is no love greater than a childs love, but I need to find and love myself first. How could I be capable of giving it to someone else if I don't know myself enough to respect and love myself. Maybe it's part selfishness, but it's more of me being honest with myself. The pressures of todays society, to settle down with a husband and children used to affect me, but I have found a sense of contentment in the idea that it may not be in my stars. I want to want those things, to want a family of my own, a stable and secure life. Unfortunately, because of personal experiences, I have practically lost all faith in people and it scares me to bring children into such an unstable environment. The traveling bug has been gnawing at me again, I feel the need to get back out there. I'm not finished experiencing the world and all that it has to offer. I'm a little scared to leave the familiarity of my current life, and I know I will miss some aspects of it, but I'm not sure that is reason enough to stay around. I feel as though I am missing out on life; as though I am wasting my youth. I have given too many years to unhappiness and confusion, it is time to find happiness and strength. It's not an easy step, but it's one that needs to be taken. I deserve to find myself, and exhaust my passion; to be happy. Who knows who I will become, where I'll end up, or how I'll get there, but I'm looking ahead and I'm excited to see where my map will take me.

~Valentine's Day~

2010-02-14T16:11:00.002-06:00

Bah Humbug!! ;) So I'm a little bitter. V-Day has never been that special to me. As far as celebrating it, I can't recall a fond memory in doing so. My first love was always out of the country with the military, so no romantic evenings there. I do recall going to dinner once with someone I loved very dearly. I tried lying to myself, pretending it was a romantic notion on his part, when in fact it was nothing like that. He was sleeping with someone else at the time, so now that I'm a bit more clear headed, I realize that lovely dinner meant nothing. Last year topped the cake. It is, actually, the V-Day that keeps playing in my head.

I was in Spain at the time. We had just moved into our new apartment and we were settling in comfortably. All of us chicas stayed at my place the night before since we were all, either single, or far away from our loves. That was the case for me. I'll get more into that in a minute. The day started off sweet, when a friend of ours brought us a delicious breakfast, complete with coffee. (Oh how I miss the coffee in Spain.) Back on point...After eating, we put on the music station on the TV to set the day. Of course, all of the selections were romantic and sappy. Normally I like that type of music, but for some reason, I found myself extremely sad that particular morning. I don't remember what song came on, but out of nowhere I just burst into tears. Not a few glistening drops down my cheek, but body shaking sobs. Everyone tried consoling me and they all were thinking that it had to do with the fact that it was Valentine's Day and my boyfriend was thousand miles away in the US. I, too, figured that was what my problem had to be, considering that I had no other reason to be sad. After my little episode, one of the girls, Tere, and I decided to take a walk on the beach to try and refresh my mood. It ended up being a three hour walk that involved downtown, the boardwalk, and a castle. Only in Europe. The walk was nice, but I couldn't shake the sadness. Thoughts of my family continued to pass through my mind.

Coming down off the hill where the castle was constructed, we were stopped by a man who was selling hand-made jewelry. We weren't interested in buying his product, but something about him reminded me of my father. I couldn't put my finger on it since he looked nothing like my father, but whatever it was, pulled me to glance back at him until he was out of my line of sight. We continued on our way home, tired and ready for a rest. We chose the boardwalk as our scenery and followed it for several miles. As we got closer to my apartment, I looked up to see an older man wearing a crazy green hat. This man looked exactly like my grandfather, a bit shorter, but just like him nonetheless. I commented on this to Tere, saying that he was a replica of my grandfather except for that hat. My grandfather would never wear that hat!

We continued on.

We separated from each other at one point, going to our prospective apartments to rest and clean up for dinner later that evening. Once I made it home I set out to clean the apartment before showering. I was alone in the house so I decided to put on some music. I hardly ever listen to 80s rock, but since my family had taken over my thoughts, I chose Def Leopard as background music. Growing up, my mom would clean the house while listening to 80s rock, so it reminded me of her. I enjoyed jamming to my once favorite song, 'Pour Some Sugar On Me'. The 'Vault' album was my favorite from the group. My thoughts bounced from my mom to mi papi. I hadn't heard from him yet that day, but it was still rather early in the US, so I was patiently waiting. I sent him a racy valentine's text and went about my cleaning. I knew it would make him smile.

After I finished cleaning, I showered and got ready for that evenings' dinner with the girls. Putting on the finishing touches; makeup and jewelry; my phone finally rang...It was mi papi! He was calling to wish me a Happy Valentine's day and tell me how much he missed me. I reciprocated. I missed him terribly...especially on that day of love. It had been 5 months since I last saw him and the distance was painful. Nonetheless, our love stayed strong and we talked every chance we got. After reluctantly hanging up with him, smile on my face, mixed emotions in my heart, I headed out to meet the girls.

We all met at Eli's house where she had prepared an amazing dinner of paella and wine. Typical Spanish, and I loved every savory bite! My heart was still heavy, but the night was lightened with laughs and vino. As we cleaned up after dinner, we made specific plans for our girls night out. What to wear, where we would meet, what time, etc... With all of the 'important' decisions made, we relaxed and spread out throughout the house. I decided to check my email for the day and write to my family and friends back home to wish them a good day. When I logged into my email, I saw that one of my sisters had written me on Myspace. I rarely use Myspace anymore, but still have it because of some family members. It was odd that she would write me on that site, so I decided to check it out. I logged on and read the email.

'Today is Wednesday. Pap passed away.'

Short but gut wrenching. My grandfather had passed away unexpectedly three days prior. I had no idea. I lost it. The girls came in, confused and trying to comfort me. Luckily, Eli had an international phone card and let me use it to call my mom. I didn't know what to think or how to react. All I could do was cry. Mom confirmed it and told me that the funeral was that next day or so. I was shaking. It was all so unreal. I had been lucky to have never had to go through the death of a loved one. Obviously I wouldn't be able to make it to the funeral, since I was in Europe with little money, and that devastated me. After hanging up with my mom, I called mi papi. I needed comforting. He listened to me and did what he could to comfort me. All I wanted was to be there so he could hold me, but that wasn't possible. He was great though, he was there for me the best way he knew how. The rest of the night is an emotional blur. Somehow I made it home, and the girls met at my place to get ready for the night out. They tried talking me into going, to keep my mind off of what had occurred, but I tried, and I just knew that if I were to go out, that I would be miserable and be a downer on the rest of the group. I just wanted to go to bed and forget what had happened. A good friend, Tracy, my only American friend in Spain, stayed with me until my eyes grew heavy. It was an emotional day from beginning to the end. That night, I realized why I had been so sad all day. I guess, subconsciously, I knew something was wrong. I thought back to that man on the boardwalk. The 'grandfather lookalike' with the green hat. A year later, I still can't believe it.

Needless to say, Valentine's Day does not hold a special place in my heart. I'm usually sad and/or bitter from past loves. Now it reminds me of my pap which is bittersweet in itself. Today hasn't exactly went as I planned or hoped for, but it's not been that bad. I just pretend it is a regular day. The rational side of me dislikes the consumer marketing of the holiday and what it has turned it into, but the hopeless romantic that dwells within secretly wishes to get a corny card, flowers, or stuffed animal. I want to believe in love again, and I want to celebrate it, but until that miracle happens, I will do what I always do...try and forget it even exists.

~Nikki Giovanni~

2010-02-13T10:24:00.000-06:00

Two nights ago, I had the pleasure of attending the keynote speech of Nikki Giovanni. She came to ASU to commemorate and participate in the universities' celebration. As I walked in the 'all too familiar' doors of the student union, she was seated at a table outside the hall where she was to speak. There was a crowd around her stealing photos and trying to meet this legend. I shied away from getting a photo with her for three reasons; a.) She was already crowded, b.) Time was running close to her speech, c.) Most importantly, I didn't have a camera! :) I still regret not trying to get some sort of photo, but nonetheless I was able to go and participate in the event, that memory is enough. As 7pm arrived, I sat second row back and settled in to hear what she had to say. To be honest, before this event, I had my reservations about this lady. I had read her poetry and enjoyed most of it, but found some of it to be a bit racist, for lack of a better word. Here is an example of one of the poems that I was unsure of:
Balances

in life
one is always
balancing

like we juggle our mothers
against our fathers

or one teacher
against another
(only to balance our grade average)

3 grains of salt
to one ounce truth

our sweet black essence
or the funky honkies down the street

and lately i've begun wondering
if you're trying to tell me something

we used to talk all night
and do things alone together

and i've begun

(as a reaction to a feeling)
to balance
the pleasure of loneliness
against the pain
of loving you

I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at the hall. I was worried that this would be a white bashing event. That I couldn't have stood for. For those who don't know much about this author and poet, she is known for her fight for civil rights. She grew up, for the most part, in the south, in the sixties. She witnessed a lot of injustice in her life and is not afraid to speak out against it. Seeing her in action, I began to better understand her. While some of her comments may border on racism, I don't think that is her intent. I think it is more of her trying to explain what it is that she has witnessed and her expression of a general viewpoint of certain moments in her life. She writes about life experiences as she saw them in that moment, depending on the what was going on and when it was occurring. There could be a lot of factors playing into her choice of words. I don't believe she was generalizing. As she approached the microphone and began to speak, humbleness radiated. She was hilarious in her speech and said what she felt without holding back. While I had already had respect for her, this event roused in me a bigger sense of understanding. The speech was filtrated with her opinions on current events as well as past issues. She had a lot to say about our current president, and while I don't necessarily agree with everything she said, it was refreshing to hear such honest opposing opinions that could be backed up. Another fascinating part of her presentation, a part that I found most interesting, was her personal relationship with Rosa Parks. She was able to give us a second had re-account of what went on that fateful day. It was incredible to be so close to history. I truly enjoyed every moment and wish it hadn't ended so soon. I left the event inspired and excited about life and what role I could play in this world. It came at the perfect moment and I thank her for that. Thanks Nikki Giovanni! As she left us with her poem she wrote to commemorate Martin Luther King, I leave you with it as well.

In The Spirit of Martin:

This is a sacred poem…blood has been shed to consecrate it…
wash your hands…remove your shoes…bow your head…I…I…I Have a Dream

   That was a magical time…Hi Ho Silver Away…
Oh Cisco/Oh Pancho…Here I Come To Save The Day…
I want the World to see what they did to my boy…
   No No No I’m not going to move…If we are Wrong…then the Constitution of the United States is Wrong…Montgomery…Birmingham…Selma…Four little Girls…
Constant Threats…Constant Harassment…Constant Fear…
        SCLC…Ralph and Martin…Father Knows Best…
Leave It To Beaver…ED SULLIVAN…How Long…Not Long

But what…Mr. Thoreau said to Mr. Emerson…are you doing out?

       This is a Letter from Birmingham City Jail…
This is a eulogy for Albany…This is a water hose for Anniston…
   This is a Thank You to Diane Nash…
        This is a flag for James Farmer…
      This is a HowCanIMakeItWithoutYou to Ella Baker…
This is for the red clay of Georgia that yielded black men of courage…
          black men of vision…black men of hope…
      bent over cotton…or sweet potatoes…or pool tables and
baseball diamonds…playing for a chance to live free and
   breathe easy and have enough money to take care of
the folks they love…This is Why We Can’t Wait

          That swirling Mississippi wind…the Alabama pine…
that Tennessee dust defiling the clothes the women washed…
    thosehotwinds…the lemonade couldn’t cool…
that let the women know…we too must overcome…
     this is for Fannie Lou Hamer…Jo Ann Robinson…
Septima Clark…Daisy Bates…All the women who said
Baby Baby Baby I know you didn’t mean to lose your job…
        I know you didn’t mean to hit me…
I know the Lord is going to make a way…           I know I’m Leaning On The Everlasting Arms

           How much pressure…does the Earth exert on carbon…
to make a diamond…How long does the soil push against the flesh…
      molding… molding…molding the moan that becomes a cry that
bursts forth crystalline…unbreakable…priceless…incomparable Martin…
    I Made My Vow To The Lord That I Never Would Turn Back…
How much pressure do the sins of the world press
against the heart of a man who becomes the voice of his people…
       He should have had a tattoo, you know…Freedom Now…
or something like that…should have braided his hair…
    carried his pool cue in a mahogany case…
wafted that wonderful laugh over a plate of skillet fried chicken…
         drop biscuits…dandelion greens on the side

This is a sacred poem…open your arms…turn your palms up…
feel the Spirit of Greatness…and be redeemed

2010-02-09T16:44:00.002-06:00

~Brownie Byte~

2010-02-02T01:11:00.002-06:00

Miss Ya Brownie Byte!!!

You have no idea girl! I always find myself wanting to call you to go for a drive or send you a text when I see someone doing something stupid..it's not as fun to hate on these little girls without ya....and I can't forget when I see a can of Pringles, I almost cry ;) lol only me and would eat an entire can then leave it in the store! Haha!! As much as I miss you, I know you need to do your thang! And what you're doing is for the best, don't doubt your decision!!! I love ya girl and I'll see ya soon!!!

Don't forget about lil 'ol JB!

Muchos Besos, loca!

~Dizzy With Helplessness~

2010-01-27T22:34:00.000-06:00

What is the point? This is the question that has been haunting me lately. I NEVER thought I would get to this point; to a place where I was so tired of everything. Maybe tired isn't the word for it, it's more like confused and lost. Life is so mundane, so joyless. I know that I am the one who is responsible for my own happiness, but it is getting more difficult as each day passes. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. When I look in the mirror, all I see is a hopeless woman, lost to herself as well as to the world. I don't recognize myself anymore, much less the people around me. The key players surrounding me are so unfamiliar. It can be scary at times. I don't know how to turn myself back around. I'm dizzy with helplessness. I feel disgusted with myself for even feeling like this. I am alive and healthy and there are people who are in worse situations than I, but I just can't seem to shake this feeling. I know I will get there, I just wonder when. It has to get better...right??

~I'm Tired~

2010-01-27T19:36:00.004-06:00

I'm tired. I'm tired of not knowing what I want to do with my life; I'm tired of crying; I'm tired of seeing people suffer; I'm tired of not having a job; I'm tired of being confused; I'm tired of hurting; I'm tired of selfishness; I'm tired of the same old lies; I'm tired of my attitude; I'm tired of not knowing who I am anymore; I'm tired of giving everything to someone who gives me nothing; I'm tired of hurting people; I'm tired of procrastinating; I'm tired of seeing tragedies all over the world; I'm tired of feeling weak; I'm tired of death; I'm tired of nosy people; I'm tired of seeing children go hungry; I'm tired of disappointing love; I'm tired of my weight; I'm tired of being scared; I'm tired of government corruption; I'm tired of overpriced schooling; I'm tired of giving in; I'm tired of paying student loans; I'm tired of abusive people; I'm tired of not supporting myself; I'm tired of this town; I'm tired of him; I'm tired of not being able to sleep at night; I'm tired of sickness; I'm tired of making mistakes; I'm tired of seeing friends go; I'm tired of caring; I'm tired of being tired.

To be continued....

~There Is A Stranger In My House~

2010-01-18T23:05:00.007-06:00

There is a stranger in my house.( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcGzLc9mgV8&feature=related ) I remember loving that song when it came out, but I guess I never really thought about the meaning behind the lyrics. I knew it was emotional and powerful, (yeah, I'm a sap and if it makes me cry, I like it) and I thought I knew what she was talking about, but the truth is I had no idea what that felt like. That is, until last Saturday. After being away for a week and a half, I came back to what I currently consider home to find mi papi waiting for me with arms open and muchos besos. :) I can't lie, it felt good, too good. I had been longing for that look, for that kiss, for that touch. It had been too long! When I least expected it, it found me. It sounds romantic and sweet, right? Right. That is what it was. I give him all the credit on that one. I appreciated the effort and the attention and it had come at a really good time, I needed it then more than ever. However these sweet moments had been few and far between lately. While being there, taking in the moment, cuddling with mi papi, a bizarre feeling came over me. A feeling that had been developing for some time now. A feeling that I had refused to accept. Unfortunately, little by little, day by day, the distance had slowly grown. As I looked at him I started to wonder just who was this man that held my hand? I mean, I know every inch of his face; every curve, every crease, every line. Yet, through all the familiarity, I found that I no longer recognized him. Had we really come so far as to be so unfamiliar with each other, to have lost everything we had worked so hard for? Will we continue to distance ourselves to the point that we pass each other in the street without an acknowledgement? Is this the way love dies, so slowly and painfully? Is this really the end?

~Painted Daydreams~

2010-01-12T23:25:00.006-06:00

What's left of me? What's left of that girl I once was? Was it really even me sitting in the back row of class, shying away from life? Was she real? So timid and scared of everything and of everybody. When I think back on those days I feel as though it were a movie, as though another person was playing my role. I was so naive as I patiently waited for life to happen to me. They were such innocent days that passed by, one by one, without a care in the world. I was that young girl who you'd find outside, lying in the soft grass on the hill behind my house twirling a crisp green blade between my fingers while staring at the blue sky. That sky was the canvas upon which I painted my daydreams. Each cloud told a story while forming the constantly moving pictures of future days. I transported myself aboard each tiny airplane as it slowly flew by, all the while planning out my imaginary itenerary for the next exotic destination that I would reach when it finally descended. Some days I would give my imagination a break and dive into an already written tale. With each book I took on a different character, taking over their lives and stealing their adventures. If I was feeling particularly greedy, I would take on two personas at a time, combining the best attributes of each character and leaving the 'not so great' ones in the story. It was a creative time for me, but I didn't realize that my creativity was constantly being stifled by doubts in myself and my abilities. I don't only speak of artistic abilities, but life abilities as well. Sure, I had a million and three dreams to go along with my thousands of fantasies but I never believed they could ever be brought to real life. All those imagined plane rides to Europe, Asia, and South America quenched a temporary thirst, but when reality hit, I shrunk back a bit into the idea that it could never happen to me. I had no life experience topped with a healty dose of insecurities. That combination rendered me helpless...or so I once thought.
Thinking back now on that idea, on my mindset all those years ago, brings me to my question today. Where did that 'me' go? When did I finally realize that I COULD have all of those things? As I think back on these last several years, not only one defining moment stands out to me. I can only conclude that a series of events and influences had to have contributed to my drastic change. It sounds simple and rational enough, but when I think about who I was before, I wonder, why me? So many people have those same dreams and aspirations as a young person, why was I able to see some of them through? This underlying difference in my past and present selves is what brings about these questions. It is a liberating sensation to actually see and feel my dreams into reality. That first REAL plane ride as it descends into a foreign country, that spray of the ocean against my face as my feet sink into the moist sand, that exhileration of having to start from scatch, again, and reinvent myself to fit the current, distint, culture. I may not understand fully why God has blessed me with so many amazing experiences, I may occasionally contemplate what I did to deserve this, but I will never take it for granted. As the quote goes: ~Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.~ I must humble myself daily and give thanks for each sweet breath that I am given. Where has the old 'me' gone? I am still here, still painting that vast blue canvas with future plans; This time, however, I'm doing my best to bring them to life, and enjoying every blessed moment of it.

~I Miss You~

2010-01-04T10:48:00.000-06:00

(Image Translation: "Being so close, yet so far away")

Good Morning! I greeted myself as I rubbed my sleepy eyes. Not such a good morning. There haven't been too many of those lately. Just me and my pillow shared my dreams last night. Just me and the blanket cuddled to keep warm. The saddest part of it all? There had been a warm body beside me, but one that didn't greet me, one that didn't touch me, one that didn't love me anymore. Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and you can't have them? This situation is killing me. The distance between us is so great yet encompasses such a small space. Just at an arms length, he might as well be across the ocean. We used to be unstoppable. Don't get me wrong, we are still in motion, but this time we are headed in different directions. I'm fighting it..I refuse to accept it. The moment I can't feel him under my fingertips, I miss him like crazy. Yet when I am around him, my heart aches. He stays closed up and distant; cold at times. He is no longer openly vulnerable with me. No more late night talks of fears, future plans and aspirations. No more passing touches, a subtle greeting in a crowd of people. No more 'besitos' distracting his game 'til I drive him crazy. Right now he is only physically here, right across the room, focused on the game as I write this post. Am I fighting a losing battle? Perhaps, but I will exhaust my armada of love; I will not give up that easily. I love him.

~Hello 2010~

2010-01-03T17:11:00.000-06:00

Well, 2010 has started and the 'New Year' fairy has yet to magically find me a job, make me thinner, or make everything better overall. Things are continuing on as they had before, day by day. I'm still looking for my dream job(really, any job would do at this point) I'm still trying out new work out programs, trying to find a healthier version of me. I'm still hopeful to find love; either reviving an old one, or opening up to something new. All in all, eleven days later, most outlets of my life have stayed the same.

Unfortunately, in all the monotony of my everyday life, one big event has occurred. My father fell sick. This is big because he NEVER gets sick. A little over a week ago, I recieved a phone call telling me that my dad had checked himself into the hospital. I can't remember my dad ever going to the hospital, not once in my entire childhood. That statement in itself scared me quite a bit. My three hour drive to the hospital had my mind racing. Thoughts under distress can get a little crazy, everything from best case, to worst case, scenarios played over and over in my mind. I arrived to find him already taken back to prep for surgery. After misdiagnosing him, twice, he was rushed back for an emergency operation. My thanks goes to God for him coming out of it ok. He was in obvious pain, but seemed much more relaxed than before the surgery. A week later, and he is still in the hospital, but he is looking so much better! God is good, even if it makes doctors look dumb with their misdiagnosis. I'll take that anyday, as long as it works out in the end.
Needless to say, the year hasn't started out as well as I had wanted, but I can't complain. I may not be rich or super model thin, but I have my family, friends and health. I could not ask for more! :)

~Goodbye 2009~

2010-01-01T13:16:00.005-06:00

2009 has come and gone. Can you believe it!? Time seems to be flying a little faster these days. Bringing in 2010 last night, surrounded by good friends, amazing food, and dance-alicious music, made me think about past new year celebrations and how different life was in each scenario. Last year's celebration was the freshest in my memory. It was my first new year celebration overseas. A good friend of mine had invited me to spend the holiday with his family. It was a very interesting experience, in that, spanish tradition varies from our own. The night starts out with dinner with the family. The table was laid out with fresh bread, jamon, shrimp, chorizo, salad, wine, etc...healthy and delicious!! After filling ourselves with food and conversation, we cleaned up a bit and prepared for the countdown. Mama B decorated us with red bows, following the 'must wear something red' custom. Us ladies pinned it in our hair as we made bow ties for the fellas. As the clock ticked, grapes and champagne were passed around. Yes, I said grapes. It is tradition in Spain to eat twelve grapes, one grape for each of the first twelve seconds of the new year. This is done for luck. As it got closer to midnight, we prepared ourselves by grabbing the first grape and holding it close to our mouths. You had to be quick! Twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year! Cheers, kisses, and greetings are passed around. Being completely honest, I got a little choked up. There was a strong sense of family and I was overwhelmed by that feeling. It was nice to be a part of it. After greeting each other, we headed to the roof of the apartment building to watch the town celebrate. Firetrucks had their sirens going off, lights were flashing, and fireworks were being set off. It sounded as though chaos had broken loose. If it hadn't been a holiday, I would have been a little scared. After greeting the neighbors on the roof, we made our way back to the house to get ready to go out. Tradition is to spend the first part of the night with your family, then after the countdown, everyone meets up with friends to party. Dressed to impress, we met up with the group in a plaza nearby. From there we bar hopped and danced until dawn. That is another thing about Spain, when you go out, you are out until you see the sun rise.

It was completely different from last night's party. To bring in 2010 a group of us went to Memphis. A Cameroonian association from the city hosts the annual get together. One of our friends belongs to the association and invited all of us so that we could all celebrate together with good food and music. We arrived at the large house where the function was being hosted around eleven p.m. We entered and greeted everyone and then anxiously awaited the new year. Champagne glasses, festive hats, and noisemakers were passed around to the growing crowd. Music accompanied us as we awaited the countdown. There were children joining in the dancing after their initial shyness wore off. One little boy who wouldn't have anything to do with us at first, refused to be shown up by his small female counterpart when she took the floor and tried to show us who was boss. They ended up dancing together, stopping the adults in their tracks. There was no competing. :)
With three minutes to go the crowd turned their attention to their friends and or couple. With eyes on the television and constant updates of the countdown being shouted over the chatter, the excitement began to rise, well at least it did for me. This was the first time, in almost five years, that I would be celebrating with mi papi, and the second time EVER that I would have my new year kiss! Needless to say, I was ready for the clock to strike twelve.

~Tell Someone You Love Them~

2009-12-28T10:34:00.000-06:00

A fellow blogger, Brandy, has asked several bloggers to post this extremely heartfelt post, that she wrote, on our blogs today so that the awesome power of positive thinking can work its magic.
Please feel free to copy and post this on your own blog.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

~Shisha-Ghalyun-Cachimba-Nargila-Hubbly Bubbly-Hookah~

2009-12-27T20:00:00.001-06:00

Different countries have different words for it, but the affect is the same all over the world. The shisha (India) was invented in India following the European introduction of tobacco to the country. A physician of the court raised concerns about the affect on health the tobacco caused, therefore designing a system of 'purifying' it using water. The emperor at the time was encouraged to take up smoking and, from that, the popularity grew with the noblemen, soon making the ghalyn (Iran) a status symbol. That is a small taste of the historical beginning of this smoking device. Now and days, it can be enjoyed by anyone. There are hookah (US/Canada) bars all over the world where one can enjoy this cultural experience. The cachimba (Spain)smoke is commonly thought to have a lower health risk than cigarettes, however studies have confirmed that it can be just as dangerous. Unlike cigarettes, though, the hubbly bubbly (South Africa) is used more as a past time than addiction. In the Arab world, smoking the nargila (Israel) is a part of their culture and tradition. It is usually done in groups and while socializing. For everyone who has experienced it, they have had their own reasons and stories about it. I want to share mine.

For me the hookah brings back some of my first memories of Spain. (Random, I know, but stick with me.) I first tried the hookah in a tea house/hookah bar with an Iranian/American friend of mine. She had just arrived from the US and we decided to explore the nightlife in the city. I had gotten to know a couple of Erasmus (foreign exchange students) in the few weeks that I had been there before her, so we decided to meet up with them at this 'Teteria'. So there we were, a curious mix of people from all over the world, all meeting together with a common sense of unfamiliarity. All of us were new to this city, yet here we were bonding in an Arabic tea house smoking the hookah. At first breath, the strong apple flavor choked me a bit. They laughed as I coughed. After a few puffs, I felt as though I was getting the hang of it. I was a non smoker, so it took me a little longer to inhale smoothly than those who smoked regularly. The flavor was strong and the smoke was thick. I felt it all the way down into my lungs as they expanded with each inhalation. Such a savory taste danced on my tongue and the smell tickled my nose. I actually felt a bit high after two or three gulps of the sweet smoke. It was an exhilarating feeling as it mixed with the glass of red wine I had already consumed. It was a night of innocence, laughs, and just plain fun. That night erased the tension that had accumulated during the day. We temporarily forgot that we couldn't understand the language, we forgot that the food wasn't 'mama's cooking', we forgot that, just that morning, we had wanted to run to the familiarity of our home countries. We were at ease, as though we had always known one another. It was a beautiful thing to see the rainbow of people all coming together and simply living in the moment...simply being there...bonding through the smoky haze exhaled from the hookah. :)

~No Cinderella Stories~

2009-12-27T19:25:00.000-06:00

I'm not looking for a fairy tale, just a little honest love. :)

~Sticks and Stones~

2009-12-27T01:35:00.000-06:00

So, I've had this blog space for some time now, and I have yet to make any real use of it. Sure, I have posted poetry, a few meaningful lyrics, and random Me Time ramblings; none of which have any consistency or relativeness. But, I have yet to create my blog. Simply 'having' a space means nothing if one doesn't utilize it. What has been holding me back? If I had to answer that question, the most simple response I have is fear. Fear of the big green blogger monster? Not exactly. It is the fear of my own thoughts. Let's just say, my mind is not as clear as it should be, in fact, the fog has overcast all rational emotions leaving me practically inept to form a proper sentence. On top of this fear is a sense of self doubt. Well, self doubt is a little harsh, second guessing myself is, perhaps, a better way to put it. A friend once explained it to me... he said that I am a perfectionist when it comes to my words and impatient for the outcome. What he meant, is that I want poetic precision to flow from my pen (or keyboard) to my blank paper (or screen), without flaws. So when I find my thoughts rambling and I can't organize my mind, instead of scribbling down the mumble jumble, my stubborn ass simply refuses to write at all. With that I lose precious time and thoughts out of pure stubbornness. It made so much sense! It was an interesting revelation that put me in my place. I have always dreamed of writing, and while I have yet to study the art, I can at least hold my own. Who's to know if I never try?! So, here I am...Let's see if I keep my promise to myself and at least give it a shot. After all, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. :)

~Again~

2009-12-08T19:06:00.000-06:00

Another free fall...My heart is broken...Again...

I ask you why...You refuse to explain...Again...

I'll always love you...But for now I hate you...Again...

~Back in JB-1~

2009-12-05T17:12:00.000-06:00

I have so many back logged stories to write about, and I will get to them, but for now let me keep it in the present. :) I am currently back in Jonesboro. The person I thought I was, that I found, in Spain, has not completely dissipated, however, I have digressed a bit in the strength of my heart. It is funny how that one person can make you weak, even after being so strong for so long. I haven't lost all of my nerve, but I have to say that being put back into certain situations, with certain individuals, has softened me a bit. The old, soft version of me peeks her head out every once and awhile. This old me can let too much sadness and anger in at times. I sometimes wish that I would stay strong and stand up to these temptations, but at the same time, this old Dani is still a part of me and I must embrace that. The emotional, flying off the handle, finger-snap in your face, girl must come out at times or I wouldn't be true to myself. These times are hard...a young woman just trying to figure herself out while not getting repeatedly hurt. A terrifying feat in itself, not to mention the other outside distractions that come into play. I'm a big girl now, and these bills don't pay themselves. :) It's a stressful life, but I LOVE it...the challenges only make me stronger, and the pain only makes me wiser.

~Foolish~

2009-11-29T18:23:00.000-06:00

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad
You said you love me, no one above me
And I was all you had
And though my heart is eating for ya
I can't stop crying
I don't know how
I allow you to treat me this way and still i stay

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I'm home, I'm all alone
And you are always gone
And boy, you kno I really love you
I can't deny
I can't see how you could bring me to so many tears
after all these years

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
Oohhhhh
I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad
what love will make you do
all the things that we accept
be the things that we regret
too all of my ladies (ladies) feel me
c'mon sing wit me
See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change
(never gonna change, never gonna change)
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
Butm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby why you hurt me leave me and desert me
Boy I gave you all my heart
And all you do is tear it up
Looking out my window
Knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back
-Ashanti

~I Must Learn~

2009-07-23T16:22:00.000-05:00

I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.

~Prioritize~

2009-07-20T18:55:00.001-05:00

Never make someone a priority when they only consider you an option.

~Punch-Drunk Jazz~

2009-06-09T15:57:00.000-05:00

Fingers dancing over ivory keys;
Lips moistening the mouth of the brass saxophone;
Palms softly stroking the smooth skin of the drum;
A song so enticing plays at the spirit.
So finely tuned and perfectly crafted,
Melodies transform the atmosphere.
Harmonious with the beating heart,
Darkened rooms fill of smoke and martinis.
This easy listening is soothing to the soul.
Heavy eyelids accompany the nodding head
As all five senses are centered.
Focused on the reverberation of the chords
Emotions transcend into an artistic sense of peace
Passionately flowing towards poetic drunkenness.

November 08

~El Mar~

2009-06-09T15:55:00.000-05:00

El mar, ¡qué pasión entre las olas!
Las olas vienen y van, siempre con el mismo ritmo.
Un ritmo adictivo e intenso.
Mar…..hace muchos años que te conocí.
Recuerdo muy bien aquel día…
Tu cara de tranquilidad, tus brazos fuertes, tu boca tocable.
¡Ay, como quería yo entrar en tu boca!
Tu boca llena de sensibilidad….de calor.
Tu idioma casi familiar….me motivaba a querer aprenderlo,
A conocer más de mi misma, más de ti, más del mundo.
¡Qué poder! No sabes el poder que tenías en mí;
Que todavía tienes en mí…
Y no me importa…
Me encanta estar entre tus olas.
Provocas en mí el querer meterme en tus aguas.
A un lugar más profundo que antes…..
A un lugar mucho más íntimo… hasta llegar a tu alma.
¿Qué puedo hacer? ¿Qué quiero hacer?
¡Eso! No quiero hacer nada más que sumergirme en ti;
El mar, mi lugar de paz, mi lugar de tranquilidad, mi lugar de amor.

Abril ‘08

~Hopeless Romantic~

2009-06-09T15:54:00.000-05:00

A quiet look stolen
As the night danced on.
Stars sparkled as the tale unfolded.
Hopeless romantic.

The show must go on
As predetermined steps flowed flawlessly.
Cinderella and her prince;
Onlookers believed.

Her piercing crystal eyes
Spoke so passionately of him.
Embracing in beat;
Music taunted the innocence.

The high moon illuminated
What was intended to hide.
Consciously captivated.
Brief moments of bliss.

April 08

~Shades of Chocolate~

2009-06-09T15:51:00.000-05:00

Flaming flowers, swirling clouds.
Your soul of white chocolate
Danced through the hours;
With the altering music you changed your pace
Staying with the beat as trivial rain fell.
A quiet storm rolled in, taking control,
The room slowly emptied of familiarity;
You were left alone, soaked to the core.
Held captive by confused emotions
As your strengths and weaknesses battled;
Flaming flowers, swirling clouds.
Your eyes of milk chocolate
Full of pain, full of love; you ached for peace.
Suffering for a taste of sanity,
You tried so hard to set yourself free.
No one would listen…to your frantic cries.
Perhaps they couldn’t hear you.
Finally liberated on your own accord;
Hands as broken as the chains that bound them.
Oh, they’ll have to hear you now.
Flaming flowers, swirling clouds.
Your heart of dark chocolate.

October 08

~Seek and Find~

2009-06-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

Where are you?
Futile attempts, yet I keep looking.
Every stone upturned.

Is it really worth it?
I try to rationalize;
Simply trying to get what’s mine.

How many more walls?
My feet are weary.
Perhaps this is the last to climb.

November 08

~Roller Coaster~

2009-06-09T15:43:00.000-05:00

A roller coaster relationship
Takes us up the highest peaks
Then drops us…arms up…freefalling.
It’s a dangerous repetition
Yet we keep riding.
Fighting against the strong winds;
Secured behind the bars of love,
Are they strong enough to hold us?
For another taste of the excitement,
It’s a risk worth taking.
Faithful in the notion of us.

9 March 2009

~Tinto~

2009-06-09T15:34:00.000-05:00

The dark tart flavor envelops my tongue
Each time the cool crystal touches my lips.
It causes a burning sensation
That lingers tauntingly in my mouth.

So smoothly it glides down my waiting throat,
Warming my body inch by inch.
A simple pleasure that comes in shades crimson;
A color as deep as the taste it leaves behind.

February 4, 2009

~Spain-Round 2 The Beginning~

2009-06-09T15:30:00.000-05:00

Bueno…Spain…Where do I start?? It’s round two of my travels in España..Things are very different this time around. The tranquility and peace I found in Huelva seems to have stayed in Huelva. It’s a whole different and exciting world here in Fuengirola. My new roommate, Sonia, from the beginning has been a very good hearted and genuine person. She’s the crazy one but I have grown to love her. We have had our disagreements, well I have to say that they are more of different view points on life, but all in all I have been very lucky to have found her. She immediately introduced me to her group of friends, whom I found to be fascinating and all around good girls. Amparo, the tall breath of fresh air amongst the storm; Tere, open yet the most misunderstood of the group; and Gema, the wild haired good girl, are the three who I find myself especially drawn to. From there, I met an array of characters that make up my life in Fuengirola.

~The Irony of Solidarity 2~

2009-06-09T15:21:00.001-05:00

My early morning walks, that take me to a temporary job, are small bittersweet pleasures of my current life situation. Bitter because it is a fifteen minute walk, usually in the rain or cold, at eight in the morning, to a job that I don’t really enjoy. However, it has its’ sweet side. It gives me a set period of time where I am just here, in Spain, walking along and taking in all of the early morning customs. The deliciously inviting smells escaping the numerous bakeries that line the streets. Fresh and hot bread, oh so tempting, though I never have an extra minute to stop and savor a small treat. My nose is not only taunted by bread still warm from the oven, but also the smell of freshly brewed coffee that seeps into my nostrils. The coffee shops that I find every sixth step tempt me to call in late to work just to have a cup of café con leche. Topping off the incredible coffee and bread, are the people. The Spanish are usually up early yet not expected into work until late (late in American terms signifying nine or ten in the morning). They get up and are already in the streets as I am getting out of bed. They have their ritualistic cup of coffee with colleagues and enjoy their time just being there. For the most part, the culture has an “Enjoy life and live in the moment” mentality. This aspect of the culture, I love. It’s a relaxed life here in Spain as I partake in rituals and customs so different from the fast paced world of my own.

~The Irony of Solidarity 1~

2009-06-09T15:20:00.001-05:00

I have a lot of time alone here, in Spain. I regularly find myself on solitary adventures of exploring new streets, walking along the beach, meeting sometimes fascinating, other times terrifying, new people. Other days I may just be deep in thought while sitting on my terrace or paseando. Whatever the circumstance, I’m usually alone. Those times that I am in the company of friends, partaking in and enjoying the occasional abdominal burning laugh, I can’t help but to still feel a bit lonely. It’s as though I’m living my life through critical and attentive eyes. In every sense of the word, I am there…physically and mentally, yet I continually find myself a little bit detached from reality. This feeling brings along a rollercoaster ride with my emotions. It’s an interesting perspective of otherwise uninteresting daily activities; for that, I embrace it…Yet, sometimes I feel as though I could possibly be missing out on the peace of being oblivious. As I said before, it’s a rollercoaster ride, full of steep climbs, rapid falls, and mind-blowing loops.

~Lost~ (A late night text msg to myself)

2009-06-09T15:06:00.000-05:00

I feel suspended in the air, hovering over several different safety nets, none of which feel like reality. I am unable to lower myself safely into any of the sticky spider webs; as though I don’t fully belong anywhere and full of the fear of getting caught up. Lost in nothing yet surrounded by everything. It’s such an empty feeling; so many people yet I feel so alone and confused. It’s as though I’m a lost puppy just trying to find her way home to loving arms and caring hands. The face that should accompany those hands is nothing but a blur. Where do I belong? Who am I really? Wanting to be in a thousand places at once yet unable to connect myself fully to any of the options awaiting me. Where will I fall? Who will catch me? Will someone even be there, with the want to lend a hand in bandaging the bleeding cuts; bright red and fresh from the fall? Will they accept all of me? The Me who is covered in deep, purple bruises that I’ve accumulated on the way down. A damaged soul covered in the newly self-inflicted marks as well as the already aged scars. I’m a mangled mess, with hands as broken as my heart and hair matted with the sweat from running. My innocence shredded by the piercing branches of insecurity. A twisted Alice in Wonderland following the cuddly rabbit into the deep pit, then destroying everything in her terrifying, yet exciting, path. Will I find peace of mind and leave this destructive side of me on the cloud on which I have been floating? Or will I continue on, once again burning my handwritten map, leaving me forever stranded and lost? A shadow of the girl I once was wandering aimlessly in search of her true self?

~Llegaremos A Tiempo-Rosana~

2009-06-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

Si te arrancan al niño, que llevamos por dentro,

Si te quitan la teta y te cambian de cuento

No te tragues la pena, porque no estamos muertos

Llegaremos a tiempo, llegaremos a tiempo

Si te anclaran las alas, en el muelle del viento

Yo te espero un segundo en la orilla del tiempo

Llegaras cuando vayas más allá del intento

Llegaremos a tiempo, llegaremos a tiempo…

Si te abrazan las paredes desabrocha el corazón

No permitas que te anuden la respiración

No te quedes aguardando a que pinte la ocasión

Que la vida son dos trazos y un borrón

Tengo miedo que se rompa la esperanza

Que la libertad se quede sin alas

Tengo miedo que haya un día sin mañana

Tengo miedo de que el miedo, te eché un pulso y pueda más

No te rindas no te sientes a esperar

Si robaran el mapa del país de los sueños

Siempre queda el camino que te late por dentro

Si te caes te levantas, si te arrimas te espero

Llegaremos a tiempo, llegaremos a tiempo…

Mejor lento que parado, desabrocha el corazón

No permitas que te anuden la imaginación

No te quedes aguardando a que pinte la ocasión

Que la vida son dos trazos y un borrón

Tengo miedo que se rompa la esperanza

Que la libertad se quede sin alas

Tengo miedo que haya un día sin mañana

Tengo miedo de que el miedo te eché un pulso y pueda más

No te rindas no te sientes a esperar

Solo pueden contigo, si te acabas rindiendo

Si disparan por fuera y te matan por dentro

Llegaras cuando vayas, más allá del intento

Llegaremos a tiempo, llegaremos a tiempo…

~Reaction To A Photo~

2009-06-09T14:33:00.000-05:00

It was there, in that noisy little library, where I came across a silent photo spoke a thousand words.
A young woman with skin the color of midnight, clothed in the bright tones of the sun, sat staring blankly into a world that seemed to have long forgotten she existed. Sadness and exhaustion had taken a mental, as well as physical, toll on her. Despite of this, she continues to do her part, ritualistically, as she gives the last nutrients needed from the stretched, empty flesh that hung formlessly where used to be a youthful and full bosom. The young boy unknowingly makes eye contact with the camera as he is innocently content with his fresh life, oblivious to the trials of the real world he was born into. His lively eyes express a stark contrast to those of his tired mother.

~Let's Do This!~

2009-06-09T06:59:00.000-05:00

Until now I have posted randomness that I found interesting..nothing of substance; nothing that has to do with my life. And, I have to say, I am leading a very interesting life...I really cannot complain! I mean, I'm young, not too bad looking, have a few talents ;), relatively intelligent, and most excitingly (it's a real word, look it up!) living round two in Spain.

SPAIN! What a difference! A small time girl coming from Steubenville, Ohio living in Andalucia. It's brought about some interesting stories that I have yet to put into writing. Some stories so incredible that they are hard for even me to believe. I mean, who would have thought that pigs really can fly! Ok, so I made that up; but after things that I have encountered, I wouldn't be so quick to dispute it now!

On a serious note, my few travels and numerous new friends have brought about unforgettable experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world. There have been millions of laughs, thousands of mistakes, and hundreds of changes. This is me time and I plan to take advantage of every last second. Who knows, maybe there will be a round three!?

~Contradiction~

2009-06-08T17:40:00.000-05:00

You’re vicious and cold
With those warm, embracing arms.
You hastily tear me apart
With your gentle touch and charms.
I find myself running to you
While trying desperately to get away.
I hate the way that I love you;
Despite it all, I stay.
I hate you so much
For the love that you give.
You say that you love me,
Yet you incessantly deepen the rift.
Into her bed
You run and you hide.
Back to me you keep coming
As I am here to abide.
I keep letting you in
While wanting to push you away.
I keep telling you to go,
Yet letting you stay.
My emotions keep intertwining
And tangling about.
Each time I’m more confused
And I silently shout.
So angrily happy
While I am with you
Then so peacefully uneased
When I finally tell you we’re through.

Oct/Nov/Dec 2006

~Fuck You~

2009-06-08T17:33:00.001-05:00

Fuck you, you continuously hurt me
Without any observation to the fact.
Fuck you, you continuously lied to me
Without any consideration of my heart.
You took this tender soul
And made it cold and bitter.
You took this trusting heart
And slowly chiseled it to a pulp.
All I wanted was to take care of you;
Nurture you; be your shoulder.
All you wanted was a secret
To use when needed, then move on.
Fuck you and your comforting words;
Your soft deceiving eyes that caught me.
Fuck you and your lack of heart,
Your disrespect and dishonesty.
I have to admit you had me trapped,
A fool, time and time again.
Fuck you! No…. you fooled me once…
The shame is on me, I fucked myself instead.

0ct/Nov/Dec 2006

~New Orleans~

2009-06-08T17:33:00.000-05:00

Tragedy strikes
In so many forms of destruction.
Lives are forever altered
Without any call to attention.
Pain and fear
Mask the faces of the affected.
Forlorn and solemn
The surviving slowly treads
Along undesirable paths
That were once calm.
Bittersweet recollections
Of loves lost, retreat.
To the broken hearts
Memories are left to be passed on.
Slowly, lives are rebuilt…
One by painful one.
Resolve and hope
Keep faith up and rising.
Though never forgotten,
Decreased is the unbearable sting.

January 2005

~Poetic Orgasm~

2009-06-08T17:27:00.000-05:00

Naked emotions stripped of hesitations slowly start to resist all reservations;
Gently caressing the creative nerves
Searching for the muse that starts my blood boiling.
Anxiety is building as I seek out the perfect words…..
…..the rhythm starts to flow…
Heated anxiousness and hectic perseverance
Complete concentration blocking outside distractions
Heartbeat is increasing.. palpating.. racing to keep the creative momentum
Don’t lose it….
Don’t lose it…
My feverish scribbles start to climax as the last strokes are placed on the page.
Ears ringing and body taunt!
Almost there!
Don’t stop!
Don’t stop!
Don’t st…aah!
A quick gasp for air, followed by an exhausted sigh,
I fall back weightlessly as my eyes start to clear.
Body relaxing slowly while reveling in its accomplishment.
A final quiver as the signature is placed, claiming the work;
Overwhelmed by the powerful touch of the written word.

May/June 2007

~Realization of Defeat~

2009-06-08T17:24:00.000-05:00

Feelings not yet depleted
Though you are pushing me farther.
Words unsaid gnaw at me;
Each night gets a little harder.

Closed is your heart;
You brush past me and smile.
Inside, I yearn for a sense of comfort
Yet I feel as though put on trial.

Interrogated by my conscience,
I fight for the freedom to confess.
A battle persists in my heart;
My all is tested, no less.

Realization of defeat,
An understanding of my loss.
I’m heartbroken to my core
And overwhelmed with helplessness.

February 2005

~Unresolved Conflicts~

2009-06-08T17:23:00.000-05:00

Unresolved conflicts
Continue to battle in my mind.
Feelings further confuse things
As I grow undeniably tired.
Tired of the fear of the unknown;
Tired of the potential pain;
Attempted solutions
Fail again and again.
Prayers for an answer,
For a sense of inner peace,
Reverberate from my lips;
I seek to feel at ease.
Unintentionally I refuse
To believe it can’t be so.
Although I wish to initiate,
I respectfully don’t.

January 2005

~Unspoken Trust~

2009-06-08T17:21:00.000-05:00

Intrigued by conversation,
I find myself opening.
Question after burning question,
I find myself exposed.
Fascinated by the passion
In your voice; you speak.
Surprised at myself
For harboring no fears.
Unspoken trust
Envelops me as I speak of my dreams.
I find again my voice;
My reason for being.
I thought it was lost
But I find it was simply misplaced.
My passions, my fears, my heart;
I allow my book to be read

October 2004

~Alone~

2009-06-07T18:15:00.000-05:00

The wind is so refreshing
As it flows gently past me
My days go by, one by one
Nothing really changes
Happily, I dance
Swaying to silent music
A shadow falls over me
A chill crawls up my spine
I feel detached
I feel like I am flying
Yet I’m being jerked around
My silent cries go unheard
As I scream deep inside my heart
Then I feel the pain
I catch my breath and can’t breathe
It hurts but I do nothing
The fault is mine
I twist and turn as I fall
It doesn’t physically hurt anymore
While I lay there lacking emotion (or motion)
Praying to be someone else, somewhere else
I fall asleep dreaming of dark clouds
Then all is black
No more happy, carefree days
Forever, I am alone

2000/2001

~Another Goodbye~

2009-06-07T18:04:00.000-05:00

Bright diamonds studded the dark heavens
As a cool breeze gave a slight chill.
Enveloped in the strong embrace
That I trust in still.
My voice choked as I held on tight
To the love that must once again leave
On this fateful night.
The dark, loyal eyes
That I gazed deep within
Became glazed as he promised,
This test, we would conquer and win.
Dreams of future days
That would soon come.
If I wait patiently,
The love will succumb.
After one last taste of that soft, sweet kiss,
My heart cries out and endures the pain of this worthwhile bliss.

2002

~White Sands~

2009-06-07T17:53:00.000-05:00

The white sands
Glitter like silver flakes
One look at the sunset
Is all it takes
I feel the warm water
Lapping at my feet
I listen to the crashing waves
And their steady beat
The water, it invites me
To take a dip
So in, I dive
It’s a trip
The warm salt water
Feels good on my skin
It burns, yet tingles
The cuts deep within.

2004

~Within Me~

2009-06-07T17:49:00.000-05:00

Within me is a storm
Raging and wanting out
Within me is a bright sun
Smiling and shining, not a pout
Within me is wonder-woman
Wanting to save the world
Within me is a villain
Defying all laws and wanting to be spoiled
Within me is a mother
Caring and loving all
Within me is a monster
Hating, destroying, standing tall
Within me is
A little bit of everything
All wanting out
But in they are staying

2002

~This Type Love~

2008-06-18T12:41:00.000-05:00

"I want a love like me thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you TYPE LOVE or me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to myself about how I feel about you TYPE LOVE or hating how jealous you are but loving how much you want me all to yourself TYPE LOVE. Or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name.

And shit-

I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you and I barely made it out of my garage.

See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep then wonder if she's dreaming about us being in love TYPE LOVE or who loves the other more or what she's doing at this exact moment or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts.
Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much when she's not there and shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed TYPE LOVE.

And check this-

I wanna place those little post-it notes all around the house so she never forgets how much I love her TYPE LOVE,
Then not have enough ink in my pen to write all the love TYPE LOVE and hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel.
And I wanna deal with my friends making fun of me the way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love TYPE LOVE.

The only difference is this is one of those real love TYPE LOVES.

And just like in high school I wanna spend hours on the phone not saying shit and then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me and smell her all up in my covers TYPE LOVE.
And I wanna try counting the ways I love her then lose count in the middle just so I could start all over again.

And I wanna celebrate one of those one-month anniversaries even though they ain't really anniversaries but doing it just 'cause it makes her happy TYPE LOVE.

And check this-

I wanna fall in love with the melody the phone plays when our numbers dial in TYPE LOVE and talk to you until I lose my breath, she leaves me breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me.

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer 'cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill TYPE LOVES.
And I don't want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are. I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love you as long as I'd like to TYPE LOVE.
And I want a love that makes me st-st-st-stutter just thinking about how strong this love is TYPE LOVE and I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair. Well maybe not all of the hair, maybe like I'd cut the split ends and trim my mustache but it would still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.

I kind of feel comfortable now so I even be fantasize about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory, get transported to some third world country just to get treated and somehow meet up again with you so I could fall in love with you in a different language and see if it still feels the same TYPE LOVE.

I want a love that's as unexplainable as she is.

-Saul Williams, This type love.
def poetry jam.

~Si Volvieras A Mi~

2008-05-24T15:15:00.000-05:00

Como sobrevivir?
como calmar mi sed?
como seguir sin ti?
como saltar sin red?

Con ese adios tan salvaje y cruel
me deshojaste la piel
la eternidad en final se quedo
y un desierto es ...mi corazon...

Ay si volvieras a mi
encenderia el sol mil primaveras
si regresaras por mi
seria un milagro cada beso que me dieras
pero hoy te vas
y no hay vuelta atras.

Que habra despues de ti?
mas que estas lagrimas
si hasta la lluvia en el jardin
toca una musica sin fin...
sombria y tragica...

Hoy de rodillas le pido a Dios
que por el bien de los dos
algo en tu pecho se quiebre al oir
a este loco que se muere de amor...

y desataste un huracan
fuego y furia de un volcan
que no se apagar...
como olvido que fui
esclavo de ti¦ya no puedo mas...

Aaaaaaaaaay -- si volvieras a mi vida, si volvieras
si regresaras por mi
seria feliz otra vez
pero hoy te vas
y no hay vuelta atras.

~Take the damn stick already~

2008-05-18T16:16:00.000-05:00

I give up! Finally! I don't want to, but there is nothing else I can do! You win, you can have the damn stick! I wish you would just take it and leave!

~Alejate~

2008-05-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

Jamas senti en el alma tanto amor
Y nadie mas que tu, me amo
Por ti rei y llore, renaci tambien

Lo que tuve di, por tenerte aqui
Ya se que despedirnos es mejor
Sufriendo pagare mi error
Ya nada sera igual, lo tengo que aceptar
Ya hallar la fuerza en mi para este adios

Alejate, no puedo mas
Ya no hay manera de volver el tiempo atras
Olvidate de mi
Y dejame seguir a solas con mi soledad
Alejate, ya dime adios
Y me resignare a seguir sin tu calor
Y jamas entedere que fue lo que paso
Si nada puedo hacer, alejate

No voy a arrepentirme del ayer
Amandote y se, mujer
Por el amor aquel, por serte siempre fiel
Hoy tengo que ser fuerte y aprender

Alejate, no puedo mas
Ya no hay manera de volver el tiempo atras
Olvidate de mi
Y dejame seguir a solas con mi soledad
Alejate, ya dime adios
Y me resignara seguir sin tu calor
Y jamas entedere que fue lo que paso
Si nada puedo hacer, alejate

Alejate, no puedo mas
Ya no hay manera de volver el tiempo atras
Olvidate de mi
Y dejame seguir a solas con mi soledad
Alejate, ya dime adios
Y me resignara seguir sin tu calor
Y jamas entedere que fue lo que paso
Si nada puedo hacer, alejate

~Home To Stay~

2008-05-14T22:23:00.000-05:00

I know you're gone
I watched you leave
I always thought
That it was me
You made it clear
With that last kiss
You couldn't live a life
With maybe's and whatif's

When every boat
Has sailed away
And every path
Is marked and paved
When every road
Has had its say
Then I'll be bringing you back
Home to stay

I have the cards you sent to me
You wrote of trains and Paris galleries
This spring you'll draw
Canals, and frescoed walls
Look how far your dreaming's gone

When every town looks just the same
When every choice gets hard to make
When every map is put away
Then I'll be bringing you back
Home to stay

And now I know why you had to go alone
Isn't there a place between

When every boat
Has sailed away
And every path
Is marked and paved

When every road
Has had its say
Then I'll be bringing you back
Home to stay

Reach out to me
Call out my name
And I would bring you back again
Today

~Overwhelming~

2008-05-10T01:21:00.000-05:00

Overwhelming passion and lust overcome my reservations and innocence; the world no longer exists. No thoughts of sweet commitment or of any repentance.

~Danielle ~ October 2004

~Late night thoughts, day time words~

2008-05-10T01:19:00.001-05:00

Life sure does have a way of throwing you for a loop at times. One minute you think you have it all figured out then ‘BAM’, you really don’t know the people you surround yourself with daily. It amazes me how people can claim to be someone they are not for so long, without breaking a sweat. It’s as though they truly convince themselves that they are this person who they claim to be and hide behind that shroud. That is the only explanation that I can come up with in this context. Oh, I have faith in the goodness of people, but I doubt most loyalty. Selfishness seems to have taken over the minds and hearts of so many people. I can’t explain to you about all of the betrayal I have witnessed in such a short time. Good friends betraying friends, infidelity, and disrespect. It is enough to lead one to some seriously negative thoughts or actions. Betrayal by the ones who claim to love you the most, without the opportunity of avoidance, can really tear at a person if they let it. I find myself at a loss for words a lot more nowadays. The things that people will do to others amaze the hell out of me. I’m not only talking of the things that I have gone through myself, but of what I have seen the people I love go through. It’s been a crazy ride, amusing at times… The best part is the individuals who think they are home free and safe behind the idea that their secret is secured and locked away… All I have to say to you is keep on thinking you got away with it, it’s ok…Live in your world of denial. You are who you are, and no amount of tears nor anger from either side is going to change that fact. That is one thing I can say that I have learned. The selfish ones will have their brief moments of bliss as they do what they please without regards to those who care for them… But it is they who will find themselves one day without that love and companionship once the gig is up and their friends and companions get tired of dealing with it. There is only so much forgiveness one can give. Once it is over it is over, and those who disregard others will find themselves exactly where they were running from, that loneliness that they are so scared of… Karma is a mutha and even the slickest of them eventually slip and fall in their own deep pools of disloyalty. I am not the one to judge so I won’t. To those who are getting fed up with the bull, all I can say is do what you gotta do, remove yourself from the situation and let them on their own merry little way...they will get theirs one day...all we can do is filter out those who are not good for us and appreciate those who truly deserve our love and respect…. And to those who are putting up a front, I don’t understand how you think, and I almost don’t want to. If it is worth it to you, then there is nothing anyone can say to make you realize what you did or are doing is wrong. Just keep in mind that what goes around comes back around and I can promise that the grass is not always greener on the other side and you may wake one day in deep regret and you won't be able to change it back. You made the bed, and whether it be sooner or later, you will lay in it.

~For all the boys I've once loved~

2008-05-10T01:18:00.001-05:00

~Part 1~
we are not your mothers
you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years
yet you come to us
wounded
and half filled with promises
you can only keep half the time
trying to suckle our sense of self dry
we have become much too accustomed to empty beds and damp pillows
become much too accustomed
to waiting for our empty beds to be weighted down
with the bodies of men
heavy with the scent and the hands of other women
and we
simply wanting to be loved and to love ourselves unconditionally
simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not
play Hester Prin
place scarlet letters on our chests
become adulteresses
cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
willing to settle for less
willing to act like a little less than a goddess
willing to sleep with the enemy
men too scared to stop acting like boys
thinking we can love away their scars
so we take the lashes of the insecurities that they pour on us
and lick our wounds in quiet mourning
for the little girls we loose by the minute.
~Part 2~
you said you had a photographic memory
but apparently
you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself
and the ones you claim you love
the truth cannot be hidden
what’s clouded in darkness will always come to light, my love
you should have known that
claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
i guess shit happens
i just wish it wasn’t me
and I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lost
then to never have loved at all
i know that’s some easy shit to say
but I’m still going to try and live by it
i’m still going to put my faith to rest in it
i will sleep on dry pillows now
in a bed big enough to love myself in
i will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry
and shining full of the knowledge
i am priceless
and worth nothing but honesty
i will remove the scarlet letter from my chest
and take the hand of the little girl I used to be
and say I’m sorry to her
i’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
and I will wait
for a man to come along
that can give me the truth
of how much he can really love me

~It's no accident..~

2008-05-10T01:14:00.000-05:00

"It is no accident that you are reading this. I am making black marks on white paper. These marks are my thoughts, and although I do not know who you are reading this now, in some way the lines of our lives have intersected... For the length of these few sentences, we meet here.

It is no accident that you are reading this. This moment has been waiting for you, I have been waiting for you. Remember me."

- Duane Michals

~Andando en Huelva~

2008-05-10T01:11:00.000-05:00

While taking one of my numerous walks that, at times, don´t stray from Avenida Andalucía, (aka Av. de cholesterol for reasons as such), I try to soak in every ounce of energy that surrounds me: The slightly strong breeze blowing my hair into my face, tempting me once again to contemplate making bald beautiful; The salty smell of the air that is occasionally overpowered by the home cooked smells escaping from the windows above that provoke a growl in my stomach; The, not so various, shapes of people partaking in their nightly jog, utilizing park benches to strengthen their abdominals or stretch their tired muscles; The loud buzz of motorbikes racing by, temporarily interrupting the chattering of people describing their daily activities to their families in a language no longer foreign to me; Families are always outside taking in the fresh night air, simply enjoying the company of their neighbors while taking a ´café con leche´ as the children play nearby; Today is a bit special, in the fact that it is the day everyone returns from ´El Rocío´. Because of this, I am blessed with the colorful sight of children still adorned in their gypsy dress. To my left, parents are strolling, baby girl at hand struggling to perfect her first steps in the outside world. Couples are everywhere, arm in arm, hand in hand, lip to lip. There is an open display of love as affection is definitely not limited to the privacy of the home. I don´t only speak of younger people paseando arm in arm, but of individuals of a vast age range. As I smile to myself, a passerby comments on my quiet observing, telling me it should be my career. His thick andaluz accent is on of the more difficult ones to decipher. I smile accordingly as I greet him. He nods with understanding and his amused eyes are accompanied with a ´sta luego as he continues on his walk. A young guy stops to call my attention, and when I look up he has a confused look on his face as he realizes he has mistaken me for someone else. This is a rare occurrence considering the fact that my blonde hair is as rare here as a stoplight in Irondale, Ohio. My thoughts are interrupted by a loud ´pop´ as someone decides to celebrate with fireworks. There is such a healthy mix of old culture and modern living here in southern Spain. The more I experience and the more time I spend here, the more I grow to love this place. This small city that I had never before knew to exist, I now happily call my home, even if only temporarily. It is a bittersweet thought really. The peace I have found here, I recently let multiply by finally giving in to the pure ´goodness´. ´Goodness´ and felicidad that I once refused to put my trust in. I now realize that if you put all of your energy into constantly watching your back to avoid the inevitable sharp and painful knives, or if you are constantly analyzing the ´what-could-happen´ thoughts of the future, you truly miss out on the amazements and pure joys that surround you in the present moment. Sitting here on this worn out bench, surrounded by a rainbow of flowers, exotic palm trees, and up-turned pines, I contemplate, not where I came from yesterday or where I am going tomorrow, but who I am now. And, you know, for once I am content with my self-given response. I have a head filled with a plethora of new information, a heart surrounded by honest love, and a body racing with indescribable passion for life and those who have entered into mine. Of course, my content heart may have little to do with this city or the people that I have met, but much more with the continuously growing knowledge of myself and what kind of woman I aspire to be. I end as the casi-full moon brightens against the sky fading into darkness. As far as Huelva goes, I can return; As far as the special people in my life, we will keep in touch; As far as mi misma, I plan to enjoy life whole-heartedly, each precious moment here on Earth that God has blessed me with.

~My favorite Shakespeare sonnet~

2008-05-10T01:09:00.000-05:00

~Sonnet 116~
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose Worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

~Front Row~

2008-05-10T01:08:00.001-05:00

Everyone Can't Be in Your FRONT ROW.

Life is a theater so invite your audiences carefully. Not everyone is holy enough and healthy enough to have a FRONT ROW seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, fellowships, and even family!

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are just going downhill or just staying still??? When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?

The more you seek God and the things of God, the more you seek quality, the more you seek not just the hand of God but the face of God, the more you seek things honorable, the more you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the BALCONY of your life.

You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people you are around! Ask God for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the FRONT ROW of your life. Remember that FRONT ROW seats are for special and deserving people and those who sit in Your FRONT ROW should be chosen carefully.

Everyone Can't Be in Your FRONT ROW.

~Exhaust each moment~

2008-05-10T01:00:00.001-05:00

We've all heard it: "Don't take life for granted. Live each moment as it were your last. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Etc..." And we may even live by it for a few days after something devastating happens to remind us...But how many of us forget after a few weeks?! I know I am guilty of it, and I'm ashamed of this. Here God has blessed me with another beautiful day of health and life, and I take it for granted again. That snap back to reality can be brutal. We all need to just take one short moment to sit back and feel the air filling our lungs. We are spoiled with the riches of life. It's almost an embarrassment when we think about all we have and here we are still complaining about one thing or another. If we knew we only had six months to live, our outlook would be a lot different. We would grasp life with both hands and hold on tightly to each second, of each moment, of each hour, of each day. If we knew we were going to lose someone, we would immediately run to them and tell them how much we care. Why wait?! We need to embrace the good in the world and give some of it back every chance we get. Life is beautiful and it shouldn't take a tragedy to remind us of this. I know that some negativity cannot be avoided, and that at times pessimism will get us down, but at least the goodness should be celebrated and life should be lived! Stop thinking about doing it and do it! Exhaust each moment of all you can and be grateful of what you do have rather than tiring yourself with what you don't.

~Reflection~

2008-05-10T01:00:00.000-05:00

God does not ask for more than we can give- It is not a requisite that we should run faster than we have strength. Give freely from a joyous heart. Our cup truly does run over.

~Walkers on Being an RA~

2008-05-10T00:55:00.000-05:00

2006 RA Banquet...These girls are hilarious!! :)