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~The Guarded Victim~

Don't just stand there,
looking around with blank eyes and empty pockets.
How dare you judge me,
when you, yourself, lack any common morality.
Sharp words fly off your tongue,
aiming for my most delicate spots.
How dare you insult my intelligence with your mispronounced words.
Your selfishness disgusts me
as you carelessly degrade all those around you.
I feel no pity for your guarded, victim act;
I've seen that play before.
So fire away if you must, lash out and cut me; some blood may show.
I hope it was all worth it in the end,
when you find yourself sad and alone.

July '10

~If I Were A Bird~

If I were a bird,
I would fly....
I would fly!
With the air massaging my wings,
The sun kissing my face.
Free...
Freed from my cage,
I am changing direction.
I will fly...
Until I arrive in a new world.
Until I find a peaceful life.
I will continue to fly...

~P.S. I Love You~

I know what it is not to feel like you’re in the room until he looks at you;

Until he touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense;

Just to let everyone know you’re with him;

You’re his...

~Still Lost....~

~"I feel suspended high in the air, hovering over several different safety nets, none of which feel like reality. I am unable to lower myself safely into any of the sticky spider webs; as though I don´t fully belong anywhere and full of the fear of getting caught up. Lost in nothing yet surrounded by everything. It´s such an empty feeling; so many people yet I feel so alone and confused. It´s as though I´m a lost puppy just trying to find her way home to loving arms and caring hands. The face that should accompany those hands is nothing but a blur. Where do I belong? Who am I really? Wanting to be in a thousand places at once yet unable to connect myself fully to any of the options awaiting me. Where will I fall? Who will catch me? Will someone even be there, with the want to lend a hand in bandaging the bleeding cuts; bright red and fresh from the fall? Will they accept all of me? The Me who is covered in deep, purple bruises that I´ve accumulated on the way down. A damaged soul covered in the newly self-inflicted marks as well as the already aged scars. I´m a mangled mess, with hands as broken as my heart and hair matted from the sweat from running. My innocence shredded by the piercing branches of insecurity. A twisted Alice in Wonderland following the cuddly rabbit into the deep pit, then destroying everything in her terrifying, yet exciting, path. Will I find peace of mind and leave this destructive side of me on the cloud on which I have been floating? Or will I continue on, once again burning my handwritten map, leaving me forever stranded and lost? A shadow of the girl I once was wandering aimlessly in search of her true self?
As I read this, I realize how far I have yet to come. I’ve since fallen off that cloud into a much deeper fog. There has been no clarity, there has been no peace, there are no caring hands waiting to comfort and heal me. I find myself more alone than ever. Broken to the core and hurting myself more and more each day. Overwhelmed by insecurities; the same insecurities that brought me here in the first place. Anger and pain are all consuming; overtaking all other emotions. No longer in control of myself, I feel so helpless. Worthless may be the correct word as I don’t even know myself anymore. I don’t like who I’ve become, why should anyone else? Wallowing in a pit of self pity is usually not my style, but I have begun to wonder why? Why am I not deserving of happiness? Why can’t I have that unconditional love? Why am I not good enough? I’m tired of it being so hard. I feel as though I am going mad. These chains that I’ve wrapped around myself now outsmart me as I can’t get untangled. If misery is all there is then why do I even bother? A bit dramatic, perhaps, but when the breaking of one’s heart causes this much physical pain… I wonder, what is the point of it all? What are we working towards? Daily monotony that drags on without change as the years fly by. Is this how it will always be?"~

~Daily Path~

(This is something that I found in my electronic storage of thoughts. I had written it while in Spain last year one lonely, pensive night. I still remember the breeze blowing my hair as I wrote it and the effect that the wine had taken on me. I sometimes miss those late nights...just me, my pen, and an ocean breeze.)

Cigarettes and red wine on a cool summer night relaxes me as I am sitting on the quiet terrace that, for now, I call home.  It is a temporary home; one of the many that I have come to have in these last several years.  They ask me when I will settle down in one place; when I will fall in love, get married, and have children.  They just don’t understand my ways of being. I, myself, find it hard to understand at times. That doesn’t mean I will conform to what is considered the 'normal' path of life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like.  What is it like to have a place to call home? What is it like to have someone waiting on me each night when I get in? What is it like to build and raise a family?  While these fleeting thoughts occasionally pass through my head I just can’t imagine myself any other way.  The life I lead, while not traditional, is mine.  It is distinct, one that only I can call my own.  I have had many ups, many downs, and oh so many in-betweens.  It has been a crazy ride that has taken me to the other side of the world.  To a very different world from what I was used to.  The best part about it is that I have survived. I have made it in a world where I couldn’t speak the language, where I didn’t know how to react in otherwise normal social situations, where the cultural differences tested my strength each and every day.  It is, at times, a scary world, but the height of satisfaction I have reached and the self confidence I have gained makes it all worth it.  I’m making it on my own, living my life day by day, reaching new highs with every step I take.  I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had temptations to settle down. I have fallen in love, thought seriously of children, and wanted desperately to have a stable place to come home to.  For one reason or another it never quite worked out.  Many reasons have come into play.  At times people had let me down, other times things just didn’t quite equal out, and most commonly I fled running in the other direction.  I have made many mistakes; and I can’t justify them with any reasonable explanation; however I continue here. I’m still doing what I do, living my life and enjoying each second.  Even though the lonely moments greatly weigh the scale in their direction, I can’t complain.  I may not know who I am entirely, or have a steady home, but I am healthy and living my life with a heart full of love and gratitude for every person and experience that has came into my path. I continue to pray that I am going down the right path, but for now that’s all I have.  Prayer and a hope that I will eventually get it all right, that all of this will add up to something amazing and good.  I have faith and will continue on my day by day quest to my future.  Wherever it is that I may end up.

~Closing and Opening Doors~

When one door closes, another one opens.  That’s what they always say, at least.  They never go on to describe the pain associated with every creak of the closing door.  Why does the first door even have to close first before we are permitted to unbolt the door unlocking the new roads? Why can’t we just leave all the doors open and keep the house full of fresh air and daisies?  That notion is much more appealing in my opinion.

I’m a typical young woman; full of aspirations, fears, and desires. I have had amazing experiences, great friendships, as well as hill top mansions full of closed doors. In spite of the numerous disappointments and tears, I still seek out the perfect path that is not littered with speed bumps, fallen trees, or uneven gravel.  Whether or not it is to ever be found, I don’t know, but I’m determined to keep up the search.  I feel that I have exhausted the possibilities for the future without coming to a conclusion. Perhaps I need to key into some of those locked doors and examine the ransacked rooms once more.  The answer has to lie between dusty shelves and broken relationships.