~If I Were A Bird~

If I were a bird,
I would fly....
I would fly!
With the air massaging my wings,
The sun kissing my face.
Free...
Freed from my cage,
I am changing direction.
I will fly...
Until I arrive in a new world.
Until I find a peaceful life.
I will continue to fly...

~P.S. I Love You~

I know what it is not to feel like you’re in the room until he looks at you;

Until he touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense;

Just to let everyone know you’re with him;

You’re his...

~Still Lost....~

~"I feel suspended high in the air, hovering over several different safety nets, none of which feel like reality. I am unable to lower myself safely into any of the sticky spider webs; as though I don´t fully belong anywhere and full of the fear of getting caught up. Lost in nothing yet surrounded by everything. It´s such an empty feeling; so many people yet I feel so alone and confused. It´s as though I´m a lost puppy just trying to find her way home to loving arms and caring hands. The face that should accompany those hands is nothing but a blur. Where do I belong? Who am I really? Wanting to be in a thousand places at once yet unable to connect myself fully to any of the options awaiting me. Where will I fall? Who will catch me? Will someone even be there, with the want to lend a hand in bandaging the bleeding cuts; bright red and fresh from the fall? Will they accept all of me? The Me who is covered in deep, purple bruises that I´ve accumulated on the way down. A damaged soul covered in the newly self-inflicted marks as well as the already aged scars. I´m a mangled mess, with hands as broken as my heart and hair matted from the sweat from running. My innocence shredded by the piercing branches of insecurity. A twisted Alice in Wonderland following the cuddly rabbit into the deep pit, then destroying everything in her terrifying, yet exciting, path. Will I find peace of mind and leave this destructive side of me on the cloud on which I have been floating? Or will I continue on, once again burning my handwritten map, leaving me forever stranded and lost? A shadow of the girl I once was wandering aimlessly in search of her true self?
As I read this, I realize how far I have yet to come. I’ve since fallen off that cloud into a much deeper fog. There has been no clarity, there has been no peace, there are no caring hands waiting to comfort and heal me. I find myself more alone than ever. Broken to the core and hurting myself more and more each day. Overwhelmed by insecurities; the same insecurities that brought me here in the first place. Anger and pain are all consuming; overtaking all other emotions. No longer in control of myself, I feel so helpless. Worthless may be the correct word as I don’t even know myself anymore. I don’t like who I’ve become, why should anyone else? Wallowing in a pit of self pity is usually not my style, but I have begun to wonder why? Why am I not deserving of happiness? Why can’t I have that unconditional love? Why am I not good enough? I’m tired of it being so hard. I feel as though I am going mad. These chains that I’ve wrapped around myself now outsmart me as I can’t get untangled. If misery is all there is then why do I even bother? A bit dramatic, perhaps, but when the breaking of one’s heart causes this much physical pain… I wonder, what is the point of it all? What are we working towards? Daily monotony that drags on without change as the years fly by. Is this how it will always be?"~