~Dizzy With Helplessness~

What is the point? This is the question that has been haunting me lately. I NEVER thought I would get to this point; to a place where I was so tired of everything. Maybe tired isn't the word for it, it's more like confused and lost. Life is so mundane, so joyless. I know that I am the one who is responsible for my own happiness, but it is getting more difficult as each day passes. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. When I look in the mirror, all I see is a hopeless woman, lost to herself as well as to the world. I don't recognize myself anymore, much less the people around me. The key players surrounding me are so unfamiliar. It can be scary at times. I don't know how to turn myself back around. I'm dizzy with helplessness. I feel disgusted with myself for even feeling like this. I am alive and healthy and there are people who are in worse situations than I, but I just can't seem to shake this feeling. I know I will get there, I just wonder when. It has to get better...right??

~I'm Tired~

I'm tired. I'm tired of not knowing what I want to do with my life; I'm tired of crying; I'm tired of seeing people suffer; I'm tired of not having a job; I'm tired of being confused; I'm tired of hurting; I'm tired of selfishness; I'm tired of the same old lies; I'm tired of my attitude; I'm tired of not knowing who I am anymore; I'm tired of giving everything to someone who gives me nothing; I'm tired of hurting people; I'm tired of procrastinating; I'm tired of seeing tragedies all over the world; I'm tired of feeling weak; I'm tired of death; I'm tired of nosy people; I'm tired of seeing children go hungry; I'm tired of disappointing love; I'm tired of my weight; I'm tired of being scared; I'm tired of government corruption; I'm tired of overpriced schooling; I'm tired of giving in; I'm tired of paying student loans; I'm tired of abusive people; I'm tired of not supporting myself; I'm tired of this town; I'm tired of him; I'm tired of not being able to sleep at night; I'm tired of sickness; I'm tired of making mistakes; I'm tired of seeing friends go; I'm tired of caring; I'm tired of being tired.

To be continued....

~There Is A Stranger In My House~

There is a stranger in my house.( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcGzLc9mgV8&feature=related ) I remember loving that song when it came out, but I guess I never really thought about the meaning behind the lyrics. I knew it was emotional and powerful, (yeah, I'm a sap and if it makes me cry, I like it) and I thought I knew what she was talking about, but the truth is I had no idea what that felt like. That is, until last Saturday. After being away for a week and a half, I came back to what I currently consider home to find mi papi waiting for me with arms open and muchos besos. :) I can't lie, it felt good, too good. I had been longing for that look, for that kiss, for that touch. It had been too long! When I least expected it, it found me. It sounds romantic and sweet, right? Right. That is what it was. I give him all the credit on that one. I appreciated the effort and the attention and it had come at a really good time, I needed it then more than ever. However these sweet moments had been few and far between lately. While being there, taking in the moment, cuddling with mi papi, a bizarre feeling came over me. A feeling that had been developing for some time now. A feeling that I had refused to accept. Unfortunately, little by little, day by day, the distance had slowly grown. As I looked at him I started to wonder just who was this man that held my hand? I mean, I know every inch of his face; every curve, every crease, every line. Yet, through all the familiarity, I found that I no longer recognized him. Had we really come so far as to be so unfamiliar with each other, to have lost everything we had worked so hard for? Will we continue to distance ourselves to the point that we pass each other in the street without an acknowledgement? Is this the way love dies, so slowly and painfully? Is this really the end?

~Painted Daydreams~

What's left of me? What's left of that girl I once was? Was it really even me sitting in the back row of class, shying away from life? Was she real? So timid and scared of everything and of everybody. When I think back on those days I feel as though it were a movie, as though another person was playing my role. I was so naive as I patiently waited for life to happen to me. They were such innocent days that passed by, one by one, without a care in the world. I was that young girl who you'd find outside, lying in the soft grass on the hill behind my house twirling a crisp green blade between my fingers while staring at the blue sky. That sky was the canvas upon which I painted my daydreams. Each cloud told a story while forming the constantly moving pictures of future days. I transported myself aboard each tiny airplane as it slowly flew by, all the while planning out my imaginary itenerary for the next exotic destination that I would reach when it finally descended. Some days I would give my imagination a break and dive into an already written tale. With each book I took on a different character, taking over their lives and stealing their adventures. If I was feeling particularly greedy, I would take on two personas at a time, combining the best attributes of each character and leaving the 'not so great' ones in the story. It was a creative time for me, but I didn't realize that my creativity was constantly being stifled by doubts in myself and my abilities. I don't only speak of artistic abilities, but life abilities as well. Sure, I had a million and three dreams to go along with my thousands of fantasies but I never believed they could ever be brought to real life. All those imagined plane rides to Europe, Asia, and South America quenched a temporary thirst, but when reality hit, I shrunk back a bit into the idea that it could never happen to me. I had no life experience topped with a healty dose of insecurities. That combination rendered me helpless...or so I once thought.
Thinking back now on that idea, on my mindset all those years ago, brings me to my question today. Where did that 'me' go? When did I finally realize that I COULD have all of those things? As I think back on these last several years, not only one defining moment stands out to me. I can only conclude that a series of events and influences had to have contributed to my drastic change. It sounds simple and rational enough, but when I think about who I was before, I wonder, why me? So many people have those same dreams and aspirations as a young person, why was I able to see some of them through? This underlying difference in my past and present selves is what brings about these questions. It is a liberating sensation to actually see and feel my dreams into reality. That first REAL plane ride as it descends into a foreign country, that spray of the ocean against my face as my feet sink into the moist sand, that exhileration of having to start from scatch, again, and reinvent myself to fit the current, distint, culture. I may not understand fully why God has blessed me with so many amazing experiences, I may occasionally contemplate what I did to deserve this, but I will never take it for granted. As the quote goes: ~Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.~ I must humble myself daily and give thanks for each sweet breath that I am given. Where has the old 'me' gone? I am still here, still painting that vast blue canvas with future plans; This time, however, I'm doing my best to bring them to life, and enjoying every blessed moment of it.

~I Miss You~

(Image Translation: "Being so close, yet so far away")

Good Morning! I greeted myself as I rubbed my sleepy eyes. Not such a good morning. There haven't been too many of those lately. Just me and my pillow shared my dreams last night. Just me and the blanket cuddled to keep warm. The saddest part of it all? There had been a warm body beside me, but one that didn't greet me, one that didn't touch me, one that didn't love me anymore. Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and you can't have them? This situation is killing me. The distance between us is so great yet encompasses such a small space. Just at an arms length, he might as well be across the ocean. We used to be unstoppable. Don't get me wrong, we are still in motion, but this time we are headed in different directions. I'm fighting it..I refuse to accept it. The moment I can't feel him under my fingertips, I miss him like crazy. Yet when I am around him, my heart aches. He stays closed up and distant; cold at times. He is no longer openly vulnerable with me. No more late night talks of fears, future plans and aspirations. No more passing touches, a subtle greeting in a crowd of people. No more 'besitos' distracting his game 'til I drive him crazy. Right now he is only physically here, right across the room, focused on the game as I write this post. Am I fighting a losing battle? Perhaps, but I will exhaust my armada of love; I will not give up that easily. I love him.

~Hello 2010~

Well, 2010 has started and the 'New Year' fairy has yet to magically find me a job, make me thinner, or make everything better overall. Things are continuing on as they had before, day by day. I'm still looking for my dream job(really, any job would do at this point) I'm still trying out new work out programs, trying to find a healthier version of me. I'm still hopeful to find love; either reviving an old one, or opening up to something new. All in all, eleven days later, most outlets of my life have stayed the same.


Unfortunately, in all the monotony of my everyday life, one big event has occurred. My father fell sick. This is big because he NEVER gets sick. A little over a week ago, I recieved a phone call telling me that my dad had checked himself into the hospital. I can't remember my dad ever going to the hospital, not once in my entire childhood. That statement in itself scared me quite a bit. My three hour drive to the hospital had my mind racing. Thoughts under distress can get a little crazy, everything from best case, to worst case, scenarios played over and over in my mind. I arrived to find him already taken back to prep for surgery. After misdiagnosing him, twice, he was rushed back for an emergency operation. My thanks goes to God for him coming out of it ok. He was in obvious pain, but seemed much more relaxed than before the surgery. A week later, and he is still in the hospital, but he is looking so much better! God is good, even if it makes doctors look dumb with their misdiagnosis. I'll take that anyday, as long as it works out in the end.
Needless to say, the year hasn't started out as well as I had wanted, but I can't complain. I may not be rich or super model thin, but I have my family, friends and health. I could not ask for more! :)

~Goodbye 2009~

2009 has come and gone. Can you believe it!? Time seems to be flying a little faster these days. Bringing in 2010 last night, surrounded by good friends, amazing food, and dance-alicious music, made me think about past new year celebrations and how different life was in each scenario. Last year's celebration was the freshest in my memory. It was my first new year celebration overseas. A good friend of mine had invited me to spend the holiday with his family. It was a very interesting experience, in that, spanish tradition varies from our own. The night starts out with dinner with the family. The table was laid out with fresh bread, jamon, shrimp, chorizo, salad, wine, etc...healthy and delicious!! After filling ourselves with food and conversation, we cleaned up a bit and prepared for the countdown. Mama B decorated us with red bows, following the 'must wear something red' custom. Us ladies pinned it in our hair as we made bow ties for the fellas. As the clock ticked, grapes and champagne were passed around. Yes, I said grapes. It is tradition in Spain to eat twelve grapes, one grape for each of the first twelve seconds of the new year. This is done for luck. As it got closer to midnight, we prepared ourselves by grabbing the first grape and holding it close to our mouths. You had to be quick! Twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year! Cheers, kisses, and greetings are passed around. Being completely honest, I got a little choked up. There was a strong sense of family and I was overwhelmed by that feeling. It was nice to be a part of it. After greeting each other, we headed to the roof of the apartment building to watch the town celebrate. Firetrucks had their sirens going off, lights were flashing, and fireworks were being set off. It sounded as though chaos had broken loose. If it hadn't been a holiday, I would have been a little scared. After greeting the neighbors on the roof, we made our way back to the house to get ready to go out. Tradition is to spend the first part of the night with your family, then after the countdown, everyone meets up with friends to party. Dressed to impress, we met up with the group in a plaza nearby. From there we bar hopped and danced until dawn. That is another thing about Spain, when you go out, you are out until you see the sun rise.


It was completely different from last night's party. To bring in 2010 a group of us went to Memphis. A Cameroonian association from the city hosts the annual get together. One of our friends belongs to the association and invited all of us so that we could all celebrate together with good food and music. We arrived at the large house where the function was being hosted around eleven p.m. We entered and greeted everyone and then anxiously awaited the new year. Champagne glasses, festive hats, and noisemakers were passed around to the growing crowd. Music accompanied us as we awaited the countdown. There were children joining in the dancing after their initial shyness wore off. One little boy who wouldn't have anything to do with us at first, refused to be shown up by his small female counterpart when she took the floor and tried to show us who was boss. They ended up dancing together, stopping the adults in their tracks. There was no competing. :)
With three minutes to go the crowd turned their attention to their friends and or couple. With eyes on the television and constant updates of the countdown being shouted over the chatter, the excitement began to rise, well at least it did for me. This was the first time, in almost five years, that I would be celebrating with mi papi, and the second time EVER that I would have my new year kiss! Needless to say, I was ready for the clock to strike twelve.