~Painted Daydreams~

What's left of me? What's left of that girl I once was? Was it really even me sitting in the back row of class, shying away from life? Was she real? So timid and scared of everything and of everybody. When I think back on those days I feel as though it were a movie, as though another person was playing my role. I was so naive as I patiently waited for life to happen to me. They were such innocent days that passed by, one by one, without a care in the world. I was that young girl who you'd find outside, lying in the soft grass on the hill behind my house twirling a crisp green blade between my fingers while staring at the blue sky. That sky was the canvas upon which I painted my daydreams. Each cloud told a story while forming the constantly moving pictures of future days. I transported myself aboard each tiny airplane as it slowly flew by, all the while planning out my imaginary itenerary for the next exotic destination that I would reach when it finally descended. Some days I would give my imagination a break and dive into an already written tale. With each book I took on a different character, taking over their lives and stealing their adventures. If I was feeling particularly greedy, I would take on two personas at a time, combining the best attributes of each character and leaving the 'not so great' ones in the story. It was a creative time for me, but I didn't realize that my creativity was constantly being stifled by doubts in myself and my abilities. I don't only speak of artistic abilities, but life abilities as well. Sure, I had a million and three dreams to go along with my thousands of fantasies but I never believed they could ever be brought to real life. All those imagined plane rides to Europe, Asia, and South America quenched a temporary thirst, but when reality hit, I shrunk back a bit into the idea that it could never happen to me. I had no life experience topped with a healty dose of insecurities. That combination rendered me helpless...or so I once thought.
Thinking back now on that idea, on my mindset all those years ago, brings me to my question today. Where did that 'me' go? When did I finally realize that I COULD have all of those things? As I think back on these last several years, not only one defining moment stands out to me. I can only conclude that a series of events and influences had to have contributed to my drastic change. It sounds simple and rational enough, but when I think about who I was before, I wonder, why me? So many people have those same dreams and aspirations as a young person, why was I able to see some of them through? This underlying difference in my past and present selves is what brings about these questions. It is a liberating sensation to actually see and feel my dreams into reality. That first REAL plane ride as it descends into a foreign country, that spray of the ocean against my face as my feet sink into the moist sand, that exhileration of having to start from scatch, again, and reinvent myself to fit the current, distint, culture. I may not understand fully why God has blessed me with so many amazing experiences, I may occasionally contemplate what I did to deserve this, but I will never take it for granted. As the quote goes: ~Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.~ I must humble myself daily and give thanks for each sweet breath that I am given. Where has the old 'me' gone? I am still here, still painting that vast blue canvas with future plans; This time, however, I'm doing my best to bring them to life, and enjoying every blessed moment of it.