~Tell Someone You Love Them~

A fellow blogger, Brandy, has asked several bloggers to post this extremely heartfelt post, that she wrote, on our blogs today so that the awesome power of positive thinking can work its magic.
Please feel free to copy and post this on your own blog.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

~Shisha-Ghalyun-Cachimba-Nargila-Hubbly Bubbly-Hookah~

Different countries have different words for it, but the affect is the same all over the world. The shisha (India) was invented in India following the European introduction of tobacco to the country. A physician of the court raised concerns about the affect on health the tobacco caused, therefore designing a system of 'purifying' it using water. The emperor at the time was encouraged to take up smoking and, from that, the popularity grew with the noblemen, soon making the ghalyn (Iran) a status symbol. That is a small taste of the historical beginning of this smoking device. Now and days, it can be enjoyed by anyone. There are hookah (US/Canada) bars all over the world where one can enjoy this cultural experience. The cachimba (Spain)smoke is commonly thought to have a lower health risk than cigarettes, however studies have confirmed that it can be just as dangerous. Unlike cigarettes, though, the hubbly bubbly (South Africa) is used more as a past time than addiction. In the Arab world, smoking the nargila (Israel) is a part of their culture and tradition. It is usually done in groups and while socializing. For everyone who has experienced it, they have had their own reasons and stories about it. I want to share mine.

For me the hookah brings back some of my first memories of Spain. (Random, I know, but stick with me.) I first tried the hookah in a tea house/hookah bar with an Iranian/American friend of mine. She had just arrived from the US and we decided to explore the nightlife in the city. I had gotten to know a couple of Erasmus (foreign exchange students) in the few weeks that I had been there before her, so we decided to meet up with them at this 'Teteria'. So there we were, a curious mix of people from all over the world, all meeting together with a common sense of unfamiliarity. All of us were new to this city, yet here we were bonding in an Arabic tea house smoking the hookah. At first breath, the strong apple flavor choked me a bit. They laughed as I coughed. After a few puffs, I felt as though I was getting the hang of it. I was a non smoker, so it took me a little longer to inhale smoothly than those who smoked regularly. The flavor was strong and the smoke was thick. I felt it all the way down into my lungs as they expanded with each inhalation. Such a savory taste danced on my tongue and the smell tickled my nose. I actually felt a bit high after two or three gulps of the sweet smoke. It was an exhilarating feeling as it mixed with the glass of red wine I had already consumed. It was a night of innocence, laughs, and just plain fun. That night erased the tension that had accumulated during the day. We temporarily forgot that we couldn't understand the language, we forgot that the food wasn't 'mama's cooking', we forgot that, just that morning, we had wanted to run to the familiarity of our home countries. We were at ease, as though we had always known one another. It was a beautiful thing to see the rainbow of people all coming together and simply living in the moment...simply being there...bonding through the smoky haze exhaled from the hookah. :)

~No Cinderella Stories~

I'm not looking for a fairy tale, just a little honest love. :)

~Sticks and Stones~

So, I've had this blog space for some time now, and I have yet to make any real use of it. Sure, I have posted poetry, a few meaningful lyrics, and random Me Time ramblings; none of which have any consistency or relativeness. But, I have yet to create my blog. Simply 'having' a space means nothing if one doesn't utilize it. What has been holding me back? If I had to answer that question, the most simple response I have is fear. Fear of the big green blogger monster? Not exactly. It is the fear of my own thoughts. Let's just say, my mind is not as clear as it should be, in fact, the fog has overcast all rational emotions leaving me practically inept to form a proper sentence. On top of this fear is a sense of self doubt. Well, self doubt is a little harsh, second guessing myself is, perhaps, a better way to put it. A friend once explained it to me... he said that I am a perfectionist when it comes to my words and impatient for the outcome. What he meant, is that I want poetic precision to flow from my pen (or keyboard) to my blank paper (or screen), without flaws. So when I find my thoughts rambling and I can't organize my mind, instead of scribbling down the mumble jumble, my stubborn ass simply refuses to write at all. With that I lose precious time and thoughts out of pure stubbornness. It made so much sense! It was an interesting revelation that put me in my place. I have always dreamed of writing, and while I have yet to study the art, I can at least hold my own. Who's to know if I never try?! So, here I am...Let's see if I keep my promise to myself and at least give it a shot. After all, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. :)

~Again~

Another free fall...My heart is broken...Again...

I ask you why...You refuse to explain...Again...

I'll always love you...But for now I hate you...Again...

~Back in JB-1~

I have so many back logged stories to write about, and I will get to them, but for now let me keep it in the present. :) I am currently back in Jonesboro. The person I thought I was, that I found, in Spain, has not completely dissipated, however, I have digressed a bit in the strength of my heart. It is funny how that one person can make you weak, even after being so strong for so long. I haven't lost all of my nerve, but I have to say that being put back into certain situations, with certain individuals, has softened me a bit. The old, soft version of me peeks her head out every once and awhile. This old me can let too much sadness and anger in at times. I sometimes wish that I would stay strong and stand up to these temptations, but at the same time, this old Dani is still a part of me and I must embrace that. The emotional, flying off the handle, finger-snap in your face, girl must come out at times or I wouldn't be true to myself. These times are hard...a young woman just trying to figure herself out while not getting repeatedly hurt. A terrifying feat in itself, not to mention the other outside distractions that come into play. I'm a big girl now, and these bills don't pay themselves. :) It's a stressful life, but I LOVE it...the challenges only make me stronger, and the pain only makes me wiser.

~Foolish~

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad
You said you love me, no one above me
And I was all you had
And though my heart is eating for ya
I can't stop crying
I don't know how
I allow you to treat me this way and still i stay

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I'm home, I'm all alone
And you are always gone
And boy, you kno I really love you
I can't deny
I can't see how you could bring me to so many tears
after all these years

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
Oohhhhh
I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad
what love will make you do
all the things that we accept
be the things that we regret
too all of my ladies (ladies) feel me
c'mon sing wit me
See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change
(never gonna change, never gonna change)
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
Butm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby why you hurt me leave me and desert me
Boy I gave you all my heart
And all you do is tear it up
Looking out my window
Knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back
-Ashanti

~I Must Learn~

I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.

~Prioritize~

Never make someone a priority when they only consider you an option.

~Punch-Drunk Jazz~

Fingers dancing over ivory keys;
Lips moistening the mouth of the brass saxophone;
Palms softly stroking the smooth skin of the drum;
A song so enticing plays at the spirit.
So finely tuned and perfectly crafted,
Melodies transform the atmosphere.
Harmonious with the beating heart,
Darkened rooms fill of smoke and martinis.
This easy listening is soothing to the soul.
Heavy eyelids accompany the nodding head
As all five senses are centered.
Focused on the reverberation of the chords
Emotions transcend into an artistic sense of peace
Passionately flowing towards poetic drunkenness.

November 08

~El Mar~

El mar, ¡qué pasión entre las olas!
Las olas vienen y van, siempre con el mismo ritmo.
Un ritmo adictivo e intenso.
Mar…..hace muchos años que te conocí.
Recuerdo muy bien aquel día…
Tu cara de tranquilidad, tus brazos fuertes, tu boca tocable.
¡Ay, como quería yo entrar en tu boca!
Tu boca llena de sensibilidad….de calor.
Tu idioma casi familiar….me motivaba a querer aprenderlo,
A conocer más de mi misma, más de ti, más del mundo.
¡Qué poder! No sabes el poder que tenías en mí;
Que todavía tienes en mí…
Y no me importa…
Me encanta estar entre tus olas.
Provocas en mí el querer meterme en tus aguas.
A un lugar más profundo que antes…..
A un lugar mucho más íntimo… hasta llegar a tu alma.
¿Qué puedo hacer? ¿Qué quiero hacer?
¡Eso! No quiero hacer nada más que sumergirme en ti;
El mar, mi lugar de paz, mi lugar de tranquilidad, mi lugar de amor.


Abril ‘08

~Hopeless Romantic~

A quiet look stolen
As the night danced on.
Stars sparkled as the tale unfolded.
Hopeless romantic.

The show must go on
As predetermined steps flowed flawlessly.
Cinderella and her prince;
Onlookers believed.

Her piercing crystal eyes
Spoke so passionately of him.
Embracing in beat;
Music taunted the innocence.

The high moon illuminated
What was intended to hide.
Consciously captivated.
Brief moments of bliss.

April 08

~Shades of Chocolate~

Flaming flowers, swirling clouds.
Your soul of white chocolate
Danced through the hours;
With the altering music you changed your pace
Staying with the beat as trivial rain fell.
A quiet storm rolled in, taking control,
The room slowly emptied of familiarity;
You were left alone, soaked to the core.
Held captive by confused emotions
As your strengths and weaknesses battled;
Flaming flowers, swirling clouds.
Your eyes of milk chocolate
Full of pain, full of love; you ached for peace.
Suffering for a taste of sanity,
You tried so hard to set yourself free.
No one would listen…to your frantic cries.
Perhaps they couldn’t hear you.
Finally liberated on your own accord;
Hands as broken as the chains that bound them.
Oh, they’ll have to hear you now.
Flaming flowers, swirling clouds.
Your heart of dark chocolate.

October 08

~Seek and Find~

Where are you?
Futile attempts, yet I keep looking.
Every stone upturned.

Is it really worth it?
I try to rationalize;
Simply trying to get what’s mine.

How many more walls?
My feet are weary.
Perhaps this is the last to climb.

November 08

~Roller Coaster~

A roller coaster relationship
Takes us up the highest peaks
Then drops us…arms up…freefalling.
It’s a dangerous repetition
Yet we keep riding.
Fighting against the strong winds;
Secured behind the bars of love,
Are they strong enough to hold us?
For another taste of the excitement,
It’s a risk worth taking.
Faithful in the notion of us.


9 March 2009

~Tinto~

The dark tart flavor envelops my tongue
Each time the cool crystal touches my lips.
It causes a burning sensation
That lingers tauntingly in my mouth.

So smoothly it glides down my waiting throat,
Warming my body inch by inch.
A simple pleasure that comes in shades crimson;
A color as deep as the taste it leaves behind.

February 4, 2009

~Spain-Round 2 *The Beginning*~

Bueno…Spain…Where do I start?? It’s round two of my travels in España..Things are very different this time around. The tranquility and peace I found in Huelva seems to have stayed in Huelva. It’s a whole different and exciting world here in Fuengirola. My new roommate, Sonia, from the beginning has been a very good hearted and genuine person. She’s the crazy one but I have grown to love her. We have had our disagreements, well I have to say that they are more of different view points on life, but all in all I have been very lucky to have found her. She immediately introduced me to her group of friends, whom I found to be fascinating and all around good girls. Amparo, the tall breath of fresh air amongst the storm; Tere, open yet the most misunderstood of the group; and Gema, the wild haired good girl, are the three who I find myself especially drawn to. From there, I met an array of characters that make up my life in Fuengirola.

~The Irony of Solidarity 2~

My early morning walks, that take me to a temporary job, are small bittersweet pleasures of my current life situation. Bitter because it is a fifteen minute walk, usually in the rain or cold, at eight in the morning, to a job that I don’t really enjoy. However, it has its’ sweet side. It gives me a set period of time where I am just here, in Spain, walking along and taking in all of the early morning customs. The deliciously inviting smells escaping the numerous bakeries that line the streets. Fresh and hot bread, oh so tempting, though I never have an extra minute to stop and savor a small treat. My nose is not only taunted by bread still warm from the oven, but also the smell of freshly brewed coffee that seeps into my nostrils. The coffee shops that I find every sixth step tempt me to call in late to work just to have a cup of café con leche. Topping off the incredible coffee and bread, are the people. The Spanish are usually up early yet not expected into work until late (late in American terms signifying nine or ten in the morning). They get up and are already in the streets as I am getting out of bed. They have their ritualistic cup of coffee with colleagues and enjoy their time just being there. For the most part, the culture has an “Enjoy life and live in the moment” mentality. This aspect of the culture, I love. It’s a relaxed life here in Spain as I partake in rituals and customs so different from the fast paced world of my own.

~The Irony of Solidarity 1~

I have a lot of time alone here, in Spain. I regularly find myself on solitary adventures of exploring new streets, walking along the beach, meeting sometimes fascinating, other times terrifying, new people. Other days I may just be deep in thought while sitting on my terrace or paseando. Whatever the circumstance, I’m usually alone. Those times that I am in the company of friends, partaking in and enjoying the occasional abdominal burning laugh, I can’t help but to still feel a bit lonely. It’s as though I’m living my life through critical and attentive eyes. In every sense of the word, I am there…physically and mentally, yet I continually find myself a little bit detached from reality. This feeling brings along a rollercoaster ride with my emotions. It’s an interesting perspective of otherwise uninteresting daily activities; for that, I embrace it…Yet, sometimes I feel as though I could possibly be missing out on the peace of being oblivious. As I said before, it’s a rollercoaster ride, full of steep climbs, rapid falls, and mind-blowing loops.

~Lost~ (A late night text msg to myself)

I feel suspended in the air, hovering over several different safety nets, none of which feel like reality. I am unable to lower myself safely into any of the sticky spider webs; as though I don’t fully belong anywhere and full of the fear of getting caught up. Lost in nothing yet surrounded by everything. It’s such an empty feeling; so many people yet I feel so alone and confused. It’s as though I’m a lost puppy just trying to find her way home to loving arms and caring hands. The face that should accompany those hands is nothing but a blur. Where do I belong? Who am I really? Wanting to be in a thousand places at once yet unable to connect myself fully to any of the options awaiting me. Where will I fall? Who will catch me? Will someone even be there, with the want to lend a hand in bandaging the bleeding cuts; bright red and fresh from the fall? Will they accept all of me? The Me who is covered in deep, purple bruises that I’ve accumulated on the way down. A damaged soul covered in the newly self-inflicted marks as well as the already aged scars. I’m a mangled mess, with hands as broken as my heart and hair matted with the sweat from running. My innocence shredded by the piercing branches of insecurity. A twisted Alice in Wonderland following the cuddly rabbit into the deep pit, then destroying everything in her terrifying, yet exciting, path. Will I find peace of mind and leave this destructive side of me on the cloud on which I have been floating? Or will I continue on, once again burning my handwritten map, leaving me forever stranded and lost? A shadow of the girl I once was wandering aimlessly in search of her true self?

~Llegaremos A Tiempo-Rosana~

Si te arrancan al niño, que llevamos por dentro,

Si te quitan la teta y te cambian de cuento

No te tragues la pena, porque no estamos muertos

Llegaremos a tiempo, llegaremos a tiempo


Si te anclaran las alas, en el muelle del viento

Yo te espero un segundo en la orilla del tiempo

Llegaras cuando vayas más allá del intento

Llegaremos a tiempo, llegaremos a tiempo…


Si te abrazan las paredes desabrocha el corazón

No permitas que te anuden la respiración

No te quedes aguardando a que pinte la ocasión

Que la vida son dos trazos y un borrón


Tengo miedo que se rompa la esperanza

Que la libertad se quede sin alas

Tengo miedo que haya un día sin mañana

Tengo miedo de que el miedo, te eché un pulso y pueda más

No te rindas no te sientes a esperar


Si robaran el mapa del país de los sueños

Siempre queda el camino que te late por dentro

Si te caes te levantas, si te arrimas te espero

Llegaremos a tiempo, llegaremos a tiempo…


Mejor lento que parado, desabrocha el corazón

No permitas que te anuden la imaginación

No te quedes aguardando a que pinte la ocasión

Que la vida son dos trazos y un borrón


Tengo miedo que se rompa la esperanza

Que la libertad se quede sin alas

Tengo miedo que haya un día sin mañana

Tengo miedo de que el miedo te eché un pulso y pueda más

No te rindas no te sientes a esperar


Solo pueden contigo, si te acabas rindiendo

Si disparan por fuera y te matan por dentro

Llegaras cuando vayas, más allá del intento

Llegaremos a tiempo, llegaremos a tiempo…

~Reaction To A Photo~

It was there, in that noisy little library, where I came across a silent photo spoke a thousand words.
A young woman with skin the color of midnight, clothed in the bright tones of the sun, sat staring blankly into a world that seemed to have long forgotten she existed. Sadness and exhaustion had taken a mental, as well as physical, toll on her. Despite of this, she continues to do her part, ritualistically, as she gives the last nutrients needed from the stretched, empty flesh that hung formlessly where used to be a youthful and full bosom. The young boy unknowingly makes eye contact with the camera as he is innocently content with his fresh life, oblivious to the trials of the real world he was born into. His lively eyes express a stark contrast to those of his tired mother.

~Let's Do This!~

Until now I have posted randomness that I found interesting..nothing of substance; nothing that has to do with my life. And, I have to say, I am leading a very interesting life...I really cannot complain! I mean, I'm young, not too bad looking, have a few talents ;), relatively intelligent, and most excitingly (it's a real word, look it up!) living round two in Spain.

SPAIN! What a difference! A small time girl coming from Steubenville, Ohio living in Andalucia. It's brought about some interesting stories that I have yet to put into writing. Some stories so incredible that they are hard for even me to believe. I mean, who would have thought that pigs really can fly! Ok, so I made that up; but after things that I have encountered, I wouldn't be so quick to dispute it now!

On a serious note, my few travels and numerous new friends have brought about unforgettable experiences that I wouldn't trade for the world. There have been millions of laughs, thousands of mistakes, and hundreds of changes. This is me time and I plan to take advantage of every last second. Who knows, maybe there will be a round three!?

~Contradiction~

You’re vicious and cold
With those warm, embracing arms.
You hastily tear me apart
With your gentle touch and charms.
I find myself running to you
While trying desperately to get away.
I hate the way that I love you;
Despite it all, I stay.
I hate you so much
For the love that you give.
You say that you love me,
Yet you incessantly deepen the rift.
Into her bed
You run and you hide.
Back to me you keep coming
As I am here to abide.
I keep letting you in
While wanting to push you away.
I keep telling you to go,
Yet letting you stay.
My emotions keep intertwining
And tangling about.
Each time I’m more confused
And I silently shout.
So angrily happy
While I am with you
Then so peacefully uneased
When I finally tell you we’re through.

Oct/Nov/Dec 2006

~Fuck You~

Fuck you, you continuously hurt me
Without any observation to the fact.
Fuck you, you continuously lied to me
Without any consideration of my heart.
You took this tender soul
And made it cold and bitter.
You took this trusting heart
And slowly chiseled it to a pulp.
All I wanted was to take care of you;
Nurture you; be your shoulder.
All you wanted was a secret
To use when needed, then move on.
Fuck you and your comforting words;
Your soft deceiving eyes that caught me.
Fuck you and your lack of heart,
Your disrespect and dishonesty.
I have to admit you had me trapped,
A fool, time and time again.
Fuck you! No…. you fooled me once…
The shame is on me, I fucked myself instead.

0ct/Nov/Dec 2006

~New Orleans~

Tragedy strikes
In so many forms of destruction.
Lives are forever altered
Without any call to attention.
Pain and fear
Mask the faces of the affected.
Forlorn and solemn
The surviving slowly treads
Along undesirable paths
That were once calm.
Bittersweet recollections
Of loves lost, retreat.
To the broken hearts
Memories are left to be passed on.
Slowly, lives are rebuilt…
One by painful one.
Resolve and hope
Keep faith up and rising.
Though never forgotten,
Decreased is the unbearable sting.

January 2005

~Poetic Orgasm~

Naked emotions stripped of hesitations slowly start to resist all reservations;
Gently caressing the creative nerves
Searching for the muse that starts my blood boiling.
Anxiety is building as I seek out the perfect words…..
…..the rhythm starts to flow…
Heated anxiousness and hectic perseverance
Complete concentration blocking outside distractions
Heartbeat is increasing.. palpating.. racing to keep the creative momentum
Don’t lose it….
Don’t lose it…
My feverish scribbles start to climax as the last strokes are placed on the page.
Ears ringing and body taunt!
Almost there!
Don’t stop!
Don’t stop!
Don’t st…aah!
A quick gasp for air, followed by an exhausted sigh,
I fall back weightlessly as my eyes start to clear.
Body relaxing slowly while reveling in its accomplishment.
A final quiver as the signature is placed, claiming the work;
Overwhelmed by the powerful touch of the written word.

May/June 2007

~Realization of Defeat~

Feelings not yet depleted
Though you are pushing me farther.
Words unsaid gnaw at me;
Each night gets a little harder.

Closed is your heart;
You brush past me and smile.
Inside, I yearn for a sense of comfort
Yet I feel as though put on trial.

Interrogated by my conscience,
I fight for the freedom to confess.
A battle persists in my heart;
My all is tested, no less.

Realization of defeat,
An understanding of my loss.
I’m heartbroken to my core
And overwhelmed with helplessness.

February 2005

~Unresolved Conflicts~

Unresolved conflicts
Continue to battle in my mind.
Feelings further confuse things
As I grow undeniably tired.
Tired of the fear of the unknown;
Tired of the potential pain;
Attempted solutions
Fail again and again.
Prayers for an answer,
For a sense of inner peace,
Reverberate from my lips;
I seek to feel at ease.
Unintentionally I refuse
To believe it can’t be so.
Although I wish to initiate,
I respectfully don’t.

January 2005

~Unspoken Trust~

Intrigued by conversation,
I find myself opening.
Question after burning question,
I find myself exposed.
Fascinated by the passion
In your voice; you speak.
Surprised at myself
For harboring no fears.
Unspoken trust
Envelops me as I speak of my dreams.
I find again my voice;
My reason for being.
I thought it was lost
But I find it was simply misplaced.
My passions, my fears, my heart;
I allow my book to be read

October 2004

~Alone~

The wind is so refreshing
As it flows gently past me
My days go by, one by one
Nothing really changes
Happily, I dance
Swaying to silent music
A shadow falls over me
A chill crawls up my spine
I feel detached
I feel like I am flying
Yet I’m being jerked around
My silent cries go unheard
As I scream deep inside my heart
Then I feel the pain
I catch my breath and can’t breathe
It hurts but I do nothing
The fault is mine
I twist and turn as I fall
It doesn’t physically hurt anymore
While I lay there lacking emotion (or motion)
Praying to be someone else, somewhere else
I fall asleep dreaming of dark clouds
Then all is black
No more happy, carefree days
Forever, I am alone

2000/2001

~Another Goodbye~

Bright diamonds studded the dark heavens
As a cool breeze gave a slight chill.
Enveloped in the strong embrace
That I trust in still.
My voice choked as I held on tight
To the love that must once again leave
On this fateful night.
The dark, loyal eyes
That I gazed deep within
Became glazed as he promised,
This test, we would conquer and win.
Dreams of future days
That would soon come.
If I wait patiently,
The love will succumb.
After one last taste of that soft, sweet kiss,
My heart cries out and endures the pain of this worthwhile bliss.

2002

~White Sands~

The white sands
Glitter like silver flakes
One look at the sunset
Is all it takes
I feel the warm water
Lapping at my feet
I listen to the crashing waves
And their steady beat
The water, it invites me
To take a dip
So in, I dive
It’s a trip
The warm salt water
Feels good on my skin
It burns, yet tingles
The cuts deep within.

2004

~Within Me~

Within me is a storm
Raging and wanting out
Within me is a bright sun
Smiling and shining, not a pout
Within me is wonder-woman
Wanting to save the world
Within me is a villain
Defying all laws and wanting to be spoiled
Within me is a mother
Caring and loving all
Within me is a monster
Hating, destroying, standing tall
Within me is
A little bit of everything
All wanting out
But in they are staying

2002