~Daily Path~

(This is something that I found in my electronic storage of thoughts. I had written it while in Spain last year one lonely, pensive night. I still remember the breeze blowing my hair as I wrote it and the effect that the wine had taken on me. I sometimes miss those late nights...just me, my pen, and an ocean breeze.)

Cigarettes and red wine on a cool summer night relaxes me as I am sitting on the quiet terrace that, for now, I call home.  It is a temporary home; one of the many that I have come to have in these last several years.  They ask me when I will settle down in one place; when I will fall in love, get married, and have children.  They just don’t understand my ways of being. I, myself, find it hard to understand at times. That doesn’t mean I will conform to what is considered the 'normal' path of life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like.  What is it like to have a place to call home? What is it like to have someone waiting on me each night when I get in? What is it like to build and raise a family?  While these fleeting thoughts occasionally pass through my head I just can’t imagine myself any other way.  The life I lead, while not traditional, is mine.  It is distinct, one that only I can call my own.  I have had many ups, many downs, and oh so many in-betweens.  It has been a crazy ride that has taken me to the other side of the world.  To a very different world from what I was used to.  The best part about it is that I have survived. I have made it in a world where I couldn’t speak the language, where I didn’t know how to react in otherwise normal social situations, where the cultural differences tested my strength each and every day.  It is, at times, a scary world, but the height of satisfaction I have reached and the self confidence I have gained makes it all worth it.  I’m making it on my own, living my life day by day, reaching new highs with every step I take.  I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had temptations to settle down. I have fallen in love, thought seriously of children, and wanted desperately to have a stable place to come home to.  For one reason or another it never quite worked out.  Many reasons have come into play.  At times people had let me down, other times things just didn’t quite equal out, and most commonly I fled running in the other direction.  I have made many mistakes; and I can’t justify them with any reasonable explanation; however I continue here. I’m still doing what I do, living my life and enjoying each second.  Even though the lonely moments greatly weigh the scale in their direction, I can’t complain.  I may not know who I am entirely, or have a steady home, but I am healthy and living my life with a heart full of love and gratitude for every person and experience that has came into my path. I continue to pray that I am going down the right path, but for now that’s all I have.  Prayer and a hope that I will eventually get it all right, that all of this will add up to something amazing and good.  I have faith and will continue on my day by day quest to my future.  Wherever it is that I may end up.

~Closing and Opening Doors~

When one door closes, another one opens.  That’s what they always say, at least.  They never go on to describe the pain associated with every creak of the closing door.  Why does the first door even have to close first before we are permitted to unbolt the door unlocking the new roads? Why can’t we just leave all the doors open and keep the house full of fresh air and daisies?  That notion is much more appealing in my opinion.

I’m a typical young woman; full of aspirations, fears, and desires. I have had amazing experiences, great friendships, as well as hill top mansions full of closed doors. In spite of the numerous disappointments and tears, I still seek out the perfect path that is not littered with speed bumps, fallen trees, or uneven gravel.  Whether or not it is to ever be found, I don’t know, but I’m determined to keep up the search.  I feel that I have exhausted the possibilities for the future without coming to a conclusion. Perhaps I need to key into some of those locked doors and examine the ransacked rooms once more.  The answer has to lie between dusty shelves and broken relationships.