~Wild Soul Torn~

My wild soul had a moment where I thought I was ready to settle down, maybe start a family, and tame my nomadic urges. But now, since the love has practically vacated my once strong relationship, I wonder if those thoughts were only delusions. When I see children at the doctors office, or families at the park, I no longer feel that maternal urge to procreate. Perhaps I'm not meant to settle down and have children. At least, I know that I'm not ready just yet. I can't imagine giving my life to a child. It may sound harsh, but I just can't see it. I know, and believe, that there is no love greater than a childs love, but I need to find and love myself first. How could I be capable of giving it to someone else if I don't know myself enough to respect and love myself. Maybe it's part selfishness, but it's more of me being honest with myself. The pressures of todays society, to settle down with a husband and children used to affect me, but I have found a sense of contentment in the idea that it may not be in my stars. I want to want those things, to want a family of my own, a stable and secure life. Unfortunately, because of personal experiences, I have practically lost all faith in people and it scares me to bring children into such an unstable environment. The traveling bug has been gnawing at me again, I feel the need to get back out there. I'm not finished experiencing the world and all that it has to offer. I'm a little scared to leave the familiarity of my current life, and I know I will miss some aspects of it, but I'm not sure that is reason enough to stay around. I feel as though I am missing out on life; as though I am wasting my youth. I have given too many years to unhappiness and confusion, it is time to find happiness and strength. It's not an easy step, but it's one that needs to be taken. I deserve to find myself, and exhaust my passion; to be happy. Who knows who I will become, where I'll end up, or how I'll get there, but I'm looking ahead and I'm excited to see where my map will take me.

~Valentine's Day~

Bah Humbug!! ;) So I'm a little bitter. V-Day has never been that special to me. As far as celebrating it, I can't recall a fond memory in doing so. My first love was always out of the country with the military, so no romantic evenings there. I do recall going to dinner once with someone I loved very dearly. I tried lying to myself, pretending it was a romantic notion on his part, when in fact it was nothing like that. He was sleeping with someone else at the time, so now that I'm a bit more clear headed, I realize that lovely dinner meant nothing. Last year topped the cake. It is, actually, the V-Day that keeps playing in my head.

I was in Spain at the time. We had just moved into our new apartment and we were settling in comfortably. All of us chicas stayed at my place the night before since we were all, either single, or far away from our loves. That was the case for me. I'll get more into that in a minute. The day started off sweet, when a friend of ours brought us a delicious breakfast, complete with coffee. (Oh how I miss the coffee in Spain.) Back on point...After eating, we put on the music station on the TV to set the day. Of course, all of the selections were romantic and sappy. Normally I like that type of music, but for some reason, I found myself extremely sad that particular morning. I don't remember what song came on, but out of nowhere I just burst into tears. Not a few glistening drops down my cheek, but body shaking sobs. Everyone tried consoling me and they all were thinking that it had to do with the fact that it was Valentine's Day and my boyfriend was thousand miles away in the US. I, too, figured that was what my problem had to be, considering that I had no other reason to be sad. After my little episode, one of the girls, Tere, and I decided to take a walk on the beach to try and refresh my mood. It ended up being a three hour walk that involved downtown, the boardwalk, and a castle. Only in Europe. The walk was nice, but I couldn't shake the sadness. Thoughts of my family continued to pass through my mind.

Coming down off the hill where the castle was constructed, we were stopped by a man who was selling hand-made jewelry. We weren't interested in buying his product, but something about him reminded me of my father. I couldn't put my finger on it since he looked nothing like my father, but whatever it was, pulled me to glance back at him until he was out of my line of sight. We continued on our way home, tired and ready for a rest. We chose the boardwalk as our scenery and followed it for several miles. As we got closer to my apartment, I looked up to see an older man wearing a crazy green hat. This man looked exactly like my grandfather, a bit shorter, but just like him nonetheless. I commented on this to Tere, saying that he was a replica of my grandfather except for that hat. My grandfather would never wear that hat!

We continued on.

We separated from each other at one point, going to our prospective apartments to rest and clean up for dinner later that evening. Once I made it home I set out to clean the apartment before showering. I was alone in the house so I decided to put on some music. I hardly ever listen to 80s rock, but since my family had taken over my thoughts, I chose Def Leopard as background music. Growing up, my mom would clean the house while listening to 80s rock, so it reminded me of her. I enjoyed jamming to my once favorite song, 'Pour Some Sugar On Me'.  The 'Vault' album was my favorite from the group. My thoughts bounced from my mom to mi papi. I hadn't heard from him yet that day, but it was still rather early in the US, so I was patiently waiting. I sent him a racy valentine's text and went about my cleaning. I knew it would make him smile.

After I finished cleaning, I showered and got ready for that evenings' dinner with the girls. Putting on the finishing touches; makeup and jewelry; my phone finally rang...It was mi papi! He was calling to wish me a Happy Valentine's day and tell me how much he missed me. I reciprocated. I missed him terribly...especially on that day of love. It had been 5 months since I last saw him and the distance was painful. Nonetheless, our love stayed strong and we talked every chance we got. After reluctantly hanging up with him, smile on my face, mixed emotions in my heart, I headed out to meet the girls.

We all met at Eli's house where she had prepared an amazing dinner of paella and wine. Typical Spanish, and I loved every savory bite! My heart was still heavy, but the night was lightened with laughs and vino. As we cleaned up after dinner, we made specific plans for our girls night out. What to wear, where we would meet, what time, etc... With all of the 'important' decisions made, we relaxed and spread out throughout the house. I decided to check my email for the day and write to my family and friends back home to wish them a good day. When I logged into my email, I saw that one of my sisters had written me on Myspace. I rarely use Myspace anymore, but still have it because of some family members. It was odd that she would write me on that site, so I decided to check it out. I logged on and read the email.

'Today is Wednesday. Pap passed away.'

Short but gut wrenching. My grandfather had passed away unexpectedly three days prior. I had no idea. I lost it. The girls came in, confused and trying to comfort me. Luckily, Eli had an international phone card and let me use it to call my mom. I didn't know what to think or how to react. All I could do was cry. Mom confirmed it and told me that the funeral was that next day or so. I was shaking. It was all so unreal. I had been lucky to have never had to go through the death of a loved one. Obviously I wouldn't be able to make it to the funeral, since I was in Europe with little money, and that devastated me. After hanging up with my mom, I called mi papi. I needed comforting. He listened to me and did what he could to comfort me. All I wanted was to be there so he could hold me, but that wasn't possible. He was great though, he was there for me the best way he knew how. The rest of the night is an emotional blur. Somehow I made it home, and the girls met at my place to get ready for the night out. They tried talking me into going, to keep my mind off of what had occurred, but I tried, and I just knew that if I were to go out, that I would be miserable and be a downer on the rest of the group. I just wanted to go to bed and forget what had happened. A good friend, Tracy, my only American friend in Spain, stayed with me until my eyes grew heavy. It was an emotional day from beginning to the end. That night, I realized why I had been so sad all day. I guess, subconsciously, I knew something was wrong. I thought back to that man on the boardwalk. The 'grandfather lookalike' with the green hat. A year later, I still can't believe it.

Needless to say, Valentine's Day does not hold a special place in my heart. I'm usually sad and/or bitter from past loves. Now it reminds me of my pap which is bittersweet in itself. Today hasn't exactly went as I planned or hoped for, but it's not been that bad. I just pretend it is a regular day. The rational side of me dislikes the consumer marketing of the holiday and what it has turned it into, but the hopeless romantic that dwells within secretly wishes to get a corny card, flowers, or stuffed animal. I want to believe in love again, and I want to celebrate it, but until that miracle happens, I will do what I always do...try and forget it even exists.

~Nikki Giovanni~

Two nights ago, I had the pleasure of attending the keynote speech of Nikki Giovanni. She came to ASU to commemorate and participate in the universities' celebration. As I walked in the 'all too familiar' doors of the student union, she was seated at a table outside the hall where she was to speak.  There was a crowd around her stealing photos and trying to meet this legend. I shied away from getting a photo with her for three reasons; a.) She was already crowded, b.) Time was running close to her speech, c.) Most importantly, I didn't have a camera! :) I still regret not trying to get some sort of photo, but nonetheless I was able to go and participate in the event, that memory is enough. As 7pm arrived, I sat second row back and settled in to hear what she had to say. To be honest, before this event, I had my reservations about this lady. I had read her poetry and enjoyed most of it, but found some of it to be a bit racist, for lack of a better word. Here is an example of one of the poems that I was unsure of:
Balances

in life one is always balancing like we juggle our mothers against our fathers or one teacher against another (only to balance our grade average) 3 grains of salt to one ounce truth our sweet black essence or the funky honkies down the street and lately i've begun wondering if you're trying to tell me something we used to talk all night and do things alone together and i've begun (as a reaction to a feeling) to balance the pleasure of loneliness against the pain of loving you

I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at the hall. I was worried that this would be a white bashing event. That I couldn't have stood for. For those who don't know much about this author and poet, she is known for her fight for civil rights. She grew up, for the most part, in the south, in the sixties. She witnessed a lot of injustice in her life and is not afraid to speak out against it. Seeing her in action, I began to better understand her.  While some of her comments may border on racism, I don't think that is her intent. I think it is more of her trying to explain what it is that she has witnessed and her expression of a general viewpoint of certain moments in her life. She writes about life experiences as she saw them in that moment, depending on the what was going on and when it was occurring. There could be a lot of factors playing into her choice of words.  I don't believe she was generalizing. As she approached the microphone and began to speak, humbleness radiated. She was hilarious in her speech and said what she felt without holding back. While I had already had respect for her, this event roused in me a bigger sense of understanding. The speech was filtrated with her opinions on current events as well as past issues. She had a lot to say about our current president, and while I don't necessarily agree with everything she said, it was refreshing to hear such honest opposing opinions that could be backed up. Another fascinating part of her presentation, a part that I found most interesting, was her personal relationship with Rosa Parks. She was able to give us a second had re-account of what went on that fateful day. It was incredible to be so close to history. I truly enjoyed every moment and wish it hadn't ended so soon. I left the event inspired and excited about life and what role I could play in this world. It came at the perfect moment and I thank her for that. Thanks Nikki Giovanni! As she left us with her poem she wrote to commemorate Martin Luther King, I leave you with it as well.

In The Spirit of Martin:

   This is a sacred poem…blood has been shed to consecrate it…
wash your hands…remove your shoes…bow your head…I…I…I Have a Dream

   That was a magical time…Hi Ho Silver Away…
Oh Cisco/Oh Pancho…Here I Come To Save The Day…
I want the World to see what they did to my boy…
   No No No I’m not going to move…If we are Wrong…then the Constitution of the United States is Wrong…Montgomery…Birmingham…Selma…Four little Girls…
  Constant Threats…Constant Harassment…Constant Fear…
        SCLC…Ralph and Martin…Father Knows Best…
Leave It To Beaver…ED SULLIVAN…How Long…Not Long

But what…Mr. Thoreau said to Mr. Emerson…are you doing out?

       This is a Letter from Birmingham City Jail…
This is a eulogy for Albany…This is a water hose for Anniston…
   This is a Thank You to Diane Nash…
        This is a flag for James Farmer…
      This is a HowCanIMakeItWithoutYou to Ella Baker…
This is for the red clay of Georgia that yielded black men of courage…
          black men of vision…black men of hope…
      bent over cotton…or sweet potatoes…or pool tables and
 baseball diamonds…playing for a chance to live free and
   breathe easy and have enough money to take care of
the folks they love…This is Why We Can’t Wait      

          That swirling Mississippi wind…the Alabama pine…
that Tennessee dust defiling the clothes the women washed…
    thosehotwinds…the lemonade couldn’t cool…
 that let the women know…we too must overcome…
     this is for Fannie Lou Hamer…Jo Ann Robinson…
  Septima Clark…Daisy Bates…All the women who said
Baby Baby Baby I know you didn’t mean to lose your job…
        I know you didn’t mean to hit me…
 I know the Lord is going to make a way…           I know I’m Leaning On The Everlasting Arms           

           How much pressure…does the Earth exert on carbon…
to make a diamond…How long does the soil push against the flesh…
      molding… molding…molding the moan that becomes a cry that
bursts forth crystalline…unbreakable…priceless…incomparable Martin…
    I Made My Vow To The Lord That I Never Would Turn Back…
How much pressure do the sins of the world press
 against the heart of a man who becomes the voice of his people…
       He should have had a tattoo, you know…Freedom Now…
 or something like that…should have braided his hair…
    carried his pool cue in a mahogany case…
wafted that wonderful laugh over a plate of skillet fried chicken…
         drop biscuits…dandelion greens on the side           

This is a sacred poem…open your arms…turn your palms up…
      feel the Spirit of Greatness…and be redeemed

~Brownie Byte~

Miss Ya Brownie Byte!!!

You have no idea girl! I always find myself wanting to call you to go for a drive or send you a text when I see someone doing something stupid..it's not as fun to hate on these little girls without ya....and I can't forget when I see a can of Pringles, I almost cry ;) lol only me and would eat an entire can then leave it in the store! Haha!! As much as I miss you, I know you need to do your thang! And what you're doing is for the best, don't doubt your decision!!! I love ya girl and I'll see ya soon!!! 

Don't forget about lil 'ol JB! 

Muchos Besos, loca!