~New Pics~

Check out my other blog ....It has been updated with a bunch of new photos from several shoots! You ladies were amazing! :) Miss you all!!

After a seven hour drive, with a gps that couldn't be charged, I finally make it to where I will now call home; Atlanta, GA. I arrived early Sunday evening, exhausted from the lack of sleep from the night before. (You know I had to say bye the proper way...a night out, of course... ) I was excited that my old car made it. D met me at the door. He had been taking a nap, and probably would have continued if my growling stomach hadn't been contesting that idea. With that we unloaded my car into the storage unit we rented and then decided to share a sandwich from Subway. (btw, it closes an hour earlier here....not happy!) After our fancy dinner, we decided to call it a night. We caught each other up on the past week that we had been apart, and fell asleep to the sounds of Criminal Minds playing on the tv. Romantic, I know; no tears please... ;)

Waking early to get a head start on the day, we decide to start with contacting the apartment complex we had decided on. I could hardly contain my excitement! We were finally going to have a place to settle into after months of living as modern nomads. We had been blessed with a great friend who had really helped us out until we were able to make this move, but now we were finally taking that next step.

We decide to stop by the storage unit to grab my laptop so I could later search for jobs. As I open the storage door and grab the bag I needed, I noticed that my clothing and shoes that were stored were soaked from the rain leaking through. I contact the manager, who informs me that they are not at all liable, and rudely walks off. She had that "too bad for you" attitude. We cover our things with plastic the best we could and had to leave it as it was. As we try to exit the property, we encountered the fire department clearing a wreck. Well, actually, they were standing around talking, supposedly oblivious to the fact that we were trying  to exit. I had to get out of the car, in the rain, and approach them to get clearance to leave. So far, the day was not a good one.

We try to stay calm and positive and head to the apartment complex. On the road we witness a crazy driver swerving in and out of ongoing traffic, barely avoiding an accident. Determined, we head on, making it there, surprisingly in good spirits. Once there the leasing agent informs us that the paperwork wasn't yet complete and that I needed to fill out an application separately from papi. I was a little irritated because she could have told us this when he had submitted his application, but hey, nobody's perfect; no big deal, I just filled out the paperwork and let her do her job. After  completing the application we were given Wednesday as our move-in day. I could handle a couple days, no problem.

The rest of Monday and all of Tuesday were dedicated to the exploration of the city and the search for jobs. We planted ourselves in the mall and abused the free wifi privileges. I was feeling rather accomplished and proud of all that I had gotten done in such a short time. And I just knew we'd be in the apartment that next morning, crossing another task off of my list.

I woke up early wednesday, packed my things, and prepared myself for the big move-in day. During a quick trip to wal-mart for a few basic necessities, I called the leasing agent to confirm our move-in. It was then that she informs me that I hadn't been approved yet, so it would be postponed until the next day. At this point, my irritation increased to anger. Mi papi felt the same way, so we decided to visit our "friend" the leasing agent. We were greeted by her terrified face. She calmed down but was once again unhelpful and rude, and we left angrier than before.

Since we were unable to control the apartment situation, we went about our day, searching jobs and I started planning the decor for our "soon-to-be" apartment. A trip to Ikea and a delicious African dinner calmed me down and we headed home to rest early.

It is now Thursday morning, and although we were awake early, we took our time getting ready to go to the apartment complex. We arrived at 9:00 am, and are approached by a stern looking older lady. I assumed she was the property manager and expected better customer service than we had been subjected to during this past week. Unfortunately, my assumption was dead wrong. She informs us that the apartment is not clean per company standard and that they needed another hour before we could get in.

Now, I'm highly pissed off. I asked if we could at least look at it, to make sure the reviews I had read online weren't true. She rudely tells me, "absolutely not!" I had to bite my tongue and leave at this point; I was fuming. Mi papi was ticked off as well, though he has a much calmer personality than me. He calmed me down and we went for breakfast and a walk.

At 11:30 (we gave them extra time) we head back to the apartment complex. As we pulled in, I was immediately disgusted, and negative energy surrounded the place. I was sick of the inefficiency and bad customer service, but we had come this far, I figured we might as well look at the apartment. I exchanged my ID for a key and we set off for apt 16f.

Upon entering, I immediately go to the kitchen. Within 10 seconds, my fears of the reviews being true were proved right as the nasty little bug scurried into a crack in the cabinet. I was done, I didn't need to see anything else. We walked through the apartment anyway noticing the filthy carpets and worn down appearance. D was saluted goodbye by a smaller scurrying roach glided across the refrigerator.

We arrived at the commons building, I entered with the key and retrieved my ID. The young leasing agent knowingly asked me, "so you won't be taking it?" I replied sarcastically, "after your fantastic customer service and the roaches, no we won't be taking it." I left quickly before I reacted in a more dramatic fashion. I was beyond pissed off and knew myself.

We left there, bidding it good riddance. D knew of one other place he had seen before and had been impressed with. It cost a little more, but wasn't excessive. We went to that complex, where we were warmly greeted and shown around. The polite and personable leasing agent looked out for our best interest and quickly started the process. Within the hour, everything was practically completed and we will be moving in on Saturday! We already saw the apartment that we will be assigned; I am happy to report that it was roach-free! Although the initial excitement has been stolen from us, we are happy to have finally found a decent place to start out in. I can't wait to move-in and get started.

A week away from another big move in my life. This time, it is a little more permanent than past moves. Before, I left for unfamiliar territory, a little scared but I knew I would return in 6 months, or 9 months. This time, it is for real. I have no idea what to expect. I am excited but nervous. I know there are so many more opportunities in Atlanta, but the anticipation of the unknown brings about a hesitation that I just can't seem to shake. A ver donde me encuentro!

Close your eyes and jump....

No peeking...

That will ruin the surprise.

 

~Photo-Blog~

Check out the new Photo-Blog! :)   www.metimephotography.blogspot.com  

~The Guarded Victim~

Don't just stand there,
looking around with blank eyes and empty pockets.
How dare you judge me,
when you, yourself, lack any common morality.
Sharp words fly off your tongue,
aiming for my most delicate spots.
How dare you insult my intelligence with your mispronounced words.
Your selfishness disgusts me
as you carelessly degrade all those around you.
I feel no pity for your guarded, victim act;
I've seen that play before.
So fire away if you must, lash out and cut me; some blood may show.
I hope it was all worth it in the end,
when you find yourself sad and alone.

July '10

~If I Were A Bird~

If I were a bird,
I would fly....
I would fly!
With the air massaging my wings,
The sun kissing my face.
Free...
Freed from my cage,
I am changing direction.
I will fly...
Until I arrive in a new world.
Until I find a peaceful life.
I will continue to fly...

~P.S. I Love You~

I know what it is not to feel like you’re in the room until he looks at you;

Until he touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense;

Just to let everyone know you’re with him;

You’re his...

~Still Lost....~

~"I feel suspended high in the air, hovering over several different safety nets, none of which feel like reality. I am unable to lower myself safely into any of the sticky spider webs; as though I don´t fully belong anywhere and full of the fear of getting caught up. Lost in nothing yet surrounded by everything. It´s such an empty feeling; so many people yet I feel so alone and confused. It´s as though I´m a lost puppy just trying to find her way home to loving arms and caring hands. The face that should accompany those hands is nothing but a blur. Where do I belong? Who am I really? Wanting to be in a thousand places at once yet unable to connect myself fully to any of the options awaiting me. Where will I fall? Who will catch me? Will someone even be there, with the want to lend a hand in bandaging the bleeding cuts; bright red and fresh from the fall? Will they accept all of me? The Me who is covered in deep, purple bruises that I´ve accumulated on the way down. A damaged soul covered in the newly self-inflicted marks as well as the already aged scars. I´m a mangled mess, with hands as broken as my heart and hair matted from the sweat from running. My innocence shredded by the piercing branches of insecurity. A twisted Alice in Wonderland following the cuddly rabbit into the deep pit, then destroying everything in her terrifying, yet exciting, path. Will I find peace of mind and leave this destructive side of me on the cloud on which I have been floating? Or will I continue on, once again burning my handwritten map, leaving me forever stranded and lost? A shadow of the girl I once was wandering aimlessly in search of her true self?
As I read this, I realize how far I have yet to come. I’ve since fallen off that cloud into a much deeper fog. There has been no clarity, there has been no peace, there are no caring hands waiting to comfort and heal me. I find myself more alone than ever. Broken to the core and hurting myself more and more each day. Overwhelmed by insecurities; the same insecurities that brought me here in the first place. Anger and pain are all consuming; overtaking all other emotions. No longer in control of myself, I feel so helpless. Worthless may be the correct word as I don’t even know myself anymore. I don’t like who I’ve become, why should anyone else? Wallowing in a pit of self pity is usually not my style, but I have begun to wonder why? Why am I not deserving of happiness? Why can’t I have that unconditional love? Why am I not good enough? I’m tired of it being so hard. I feel as though I am going mad. These chains that I’ve wrapped around myself now outsmart me as I can’t get untangled. If misery is all there is then why do I even bother? A bit dramatic, perhaps, but when the breaking of one’s heart causes this much physical pain… I wonder, what is the point of it all? What are we working towards? Daily monotony that drags on without change as the years fly by. Is this how it will always be?"~

~Daily Path~

(This is something that I found in my electronic storage of thoughts. I had written it while in Spain last year one lonely, pensive night. I still remember the breeze blowing my hair as I wrote it and the effect that the wine had taken on me. I sometimes miss those late nights...just me, my pen, and an ocean breeze.)

Cigarettes and red wine on a cool summer night relaxes me as I am sitting on the quiet terrace that, for now, I call home.  It is a temporary home; one of the many that I have come to have in these last several years.  They ask me when I will settle down in one place; when I will fall in love, get married, and have children.  They just don’t understand my ways of being. I, myself, find it hard to understand at times. That doesn’t mean I will conform to what is considered the 'normal' path of life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like.  What is it like to have a place to call home? What is it like to have someone waiting on me each night when I get in? What is it like to build and raise a family?  While these fleeting thoughts occasionally pass through my head I just can’t imagine myself any other way.  The life I lead, while not traditional, is mine.  It is distinct, one that only I can call my own.  I have had many ups, many downs, and oh so many in-betweens.  It has been a crazy ride that has taken me to the other side of the world.  To a very different world from what I was used to.  The best part about it is that I have survived. I have made it in a world where I couldn’t speak the language, where I didn’t know how to react in otherwise normal social situations, where the cultural differences tested my strength each and every day.  It is, at times, a scary world, but the height of satisfaction I have reached and the self confidence I have gained makes it all worth it.  I’m making it on my own, living my life day by day, reaching new highs with every step I take.  I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had temptations to settle down. I have fallen in love, thought seriously of children, and wanted desperately to have a stable place to come home to.  For one reason or another it never quite worked out.  Many reasons have come into play.  At times people had let me down, other times things just didn’t quite equal out, and most commonly I fled running in the other direction.  I have made many mistakes; and I can’t justify them with any reasonable explanation; however I continue here. I’m still doing what I do, living my life and enjoying each second.  Even though the lonely moments greatly weigh the scale in their direction, I can’t complain.  I may not know who I am entirely, or have a steady home, but I am healthy and living my life with a heart full of love and gratitude for every person and experience that has came into my path. I continue to pray that I am going down the right path, but for now that’s all I have.  Prayer and a hope that I will eventually get it all right, that all of this will add up to something amazing and good.  I have faith and will continue on my day by day quest to my future.  Wherever it is that I may end up.

~Closing and Opening Doors~

When one door closes, another one opens.  That’s what they always say, at least.  They never go on to describe the pain associated with every creak of the closing door.  Why does the first door even have to close first before we are permitted to unbolt the door unlocking the new roads? Why can’t we just leave all the doors open and keep the house full of fresh air and daisies?  That notion is much more appealing in my opinion.

I’m a typical young woman; full of aspirations, fears, and desires. I have had amazing experiences, great friendships, as well as hill top mansions full of closed doors. In spite of the numerous disappointments and tears, I still seek out the perfect path that is not littered with speed bumps, fallen trees, or uneven gravel.  Whether or not it is to ever be found, I don’t know, but I’m determined to keep up the search.  I feel that I have exhausted the possibilities for the future without coming to a conclusion. Perhaps I need to key into some of those locked doors and examine the ransacked rooms once more.  The answer has to lie between dusty shelves and broken relationships. 

~Wild Soul Torn~

My wild soul had a moment where I thought I was ready to settle down, maybe start a family, and tame my nomadic urges. But now, since the love has practically vacated my once strong relationship, I wonder if those thoughts were only delusions. When I see children at the doctors office, or families at the park, I no longer feel that maternal urge to procreate. Perhaps I'm not meant to settle down and have children. At least, I know that I'm not ready just yet. I can't imagine giving my life to a child. It may sound harsh, but I just can't see it. I know, and believe, that there is no love greater than a childs love, but I need to find and love myself first. How could I be capable of giving it to someone else if I don't know myself enough to respect and love myself. Maybe it's part selfishness, but it's more of me being honest with myself. The pressures of todays society, to settle down with a husband and children used to affect me, but I have found a sense of contentment in the idea that it may not be in my stars. I want to want those things, to want a family of my own, a stable and secure life. Unfortunately, because of personal experiences, I have practically lost all faith in people and it scares me to bring children into such an unstable environment. The traveling bug has been gnawing at me again, I feel the need to get back out there. I'm not finished experiencing the world and all that it has to offer. I'm a little scared to leave the familiarity of my current life, and I know I will miss some aspects of it, but I'm not sure that is reason enough to stay around. I feel as though I am missing out on life; as though I am wasting my youth. I have given too many years to unhappiness and confusion, it is time to find happiness and strength. It's not an easy step, but it's one that needs to be taken. I deserve to find myself, and exhaust my passion; to be happy. Who knows who I will become, where I'll end up, or how I'll get there, but I'm looking ahead and I'm excited to see where my map will take me.

~Valentine's Day~

Bah Humbug!! ;) So I'm a little bitter. V-Day has never been that special to me. As far as celebrating it, I can't recall a fond memory in doing so. My first love was always out of the country with the military, so no romantic evenings there. I do recall going to dinner once with someone I loved very dearly. I tried lying to myself, pretending it was a romantic notion on his part, when in fact it was nothing like that. He was sleeping with someone else at the time, so now that I'm a bit more clear headed, I realize that lovely dinner meant nothing. Last year topped the cake. It is, actually, the V-Day that keeps playing in my head.

I was in Spain at the time. We had just moved into our new apartment and we were settling in comfortably. All of us chicas stayed at my place the night before since we were all, either single, or far away from our loves. That was the case for me. I'll get more into that in a minute. The day started off sweet, when a friend of ours brought us a delicious breakfast, complete with coffee. (Oh how I miss the coffee in Spain.) Back on point...After eating, we put on the music station on the TV to set the day. Of course, all of the selections were romantic and sappy. Normally I like that type of music, but for some reason, I found myself extremely sad that particular morning. I don't remember what song came on, but out of nowhere I just burst into tears. Not a few glistening drops down my cheek, but body shaking sobs. Everyone tried consoling me and they all were thinking that it had to do with the fact that it was Valentine's Day and my boyfriend was thousand miles away in the US. I, too, figured that was what my problem had to be, considering that I had no other reason to be sad. After my little episode, one of the girls, Tere, and I decided to take a walk on the beach to try and refresh my mood. It ended up being a three hour walk that involved downtown, the boardwalk, and a castle. Only in Europe. The walk was nice, but I couldn't shake the sadness. Thoughts of my family continued to pass through my mind.

Coming down off the hill where the castle was constructed, we were stopped by a man who was selling hand-made jewelry. We weren't interested in buying his product, but something about him reminded me of my father. I couldn't put my finger on it since he looked nothing like my father, but whatever it was, pulled me to glance back at him until he was out of my line of sight. We continued on our way home, tired and ready for a rest. We chose the boardwalk as our scenery and followed it for several miles. As we got closer to my apartment, I looked up to see an older man wearing a crazy green hat. This man looked exactly like my grandfather, a bit shorter, but just like him nonetheless. I commented on this to Tere, saying that he was a replica of my grandfather except for that hat. My grandfather would never wear that hat!

We continued on.

We separated from each other at one point, going to our prospective apartments to rest and clean up for dinner later that evening. Once I made it home I set out to clean the apartment before showering. I was alone in the house so I decided to put on some music. I hardly ever listen to 80s rock, but since my family had taken over my thoughts, I chose Def Leopard as background music. Growing up, my mom would clean the house while listening to 80s rock, so it reminded me of her. I enjoyed jamming to my once favorite song, 'Pour Some Sugar On Me'.  The 'Vault' album was my favorite from the group. My thoughts bounced from my mom to mi papi. I hadn't heard from him yet that day, but it was still rather early in the US, so I was patiently waiting. I sent him a racy valentine's text and went about my cleaning. I knew it would make him smile.

After I finished cleaning, I showered and got ready for that evenings' dinner with the girls. Putting on the finishing touches; makeup and jewelry; my phone finally rang...It was mi papi! He was calling to wish me a Happy Valentine's day and tell me how much he missed me. I reciprocated. I missed him terribly...especially on that day of love. It had been 5 months since I last saw him and the distance was painful. Nonetheless, our love stayed strong and we talked every chance we got. After reluctantly hanging up with him, smile on my face, mixed emotions in my heart, I headed out to meet the girls.

We all met at Eli's house where she had prepared an amazing dinner of paella and wine. Typical Spanish, and I loved every savory bite! My heart was still heavy, but the night was lightened with laughs and vino. As we cleaned up after dinner, we made specific plans for our girls night out. What to wear, where we would meet, what time, etc... With all of the 'important' decisions made, we relaxed and spread out throughout the house. I decided to check my email for the day and write to my family and friends back home to wish them a good day. When I logged into my email, I saw that one of my sisters had written me on Myspace. I rarely use Myspace anymore, but still have it because of some family members. It was odd that she would write me on that site, so I decided to check it out. I logged on and read the email.

'Today is Wednesday. Pap passed away.'

Short but gut wrenching. My grandfather had passed away unexpectedly three days prior. I had no idea. I lost it. The girls came in, confused and trying to comfort me. Luckily, Eli had an international phone card and let me use it to call my mom. I didn't know what to think or how to react. All I could do was cry. Mom confirmed it and told me that the funeral was that next day or so. I was shaking. It was all so unreal. I had been lucky to have never had to go through the death of a loved one. Obviously I wouldn't be able to make it to the funeral, since I was in Europe with little money, and that devastated me. After hanging up with my mom, I called mi papi. I needed comforting. He listened to me and did what he could to comfort me. All I wanted was to be there so he could hold me, but that wasn't possible. He was great though, he was there for me the best way he knew how. The rest of the night is an emotional blur. Somehow I made it home, and the girls met at my place to get ready for the night out. They tried talking me into going, to keep my mind off of what had occurred, but I tried, and I just knew that if I were to go out, that I would be miserable and be a downer on the rest of the group. I just wanted to go to bed and forget what had happened. A good friend, Tracy, my only American friend in Spain, stayed with me until my eyes grew heavy. It was an emotional day from beginning to the end. That night, I realized why I had been so sad all day. I guess, subconsciously, I knew something was wrong. I thought back to that man on the boardwalk. The 'grandfather lookalike' with the green hat. A year later, I still can't believe it.

Needless to say, Valentine's Day does not hold a special place in my heart. I'm usually sad and/or bitter from past loves. Now it reminds me of my pap which is bittersweet in itself. Today hasn't exactly went as I planned or hoped for, but it's not been that bad. I just pretend it is a regular day. The rational side of me dislikes the consumer marketing of the holiday and what it has turned it into, but the hopeless romantic that dwells within secretly wishes to get a corny card, flowers, or stuffed animal. I want to believe in love again, and I want to celebrate it, but until that miracle happens, I will do what I always do...try and forget it even exists.

~Nikki Giovanni~

Two nights ago, I had the pleasure of attending the keynote speech of Nikki Giovanni. She came to ASU to commemorate and participate in the universities' celebration. As I walked in the 'all too familiar' doors of the student union, she was seated at a table outside the hall where she was to speak.  There was a crowd around her stealing photos and trying to meet this legend. I shied away from getting a photo with her for three reasons; a.) She was already crowded, b.) Time was running close to her speech, c.) Most importantly, I didn't have a camera! :) I still regret not trying to get some sort of photo, but nonetheless I was able to go and participate in the event, that memory is enough. As 7pm arrived, I sat second row back and settled in to hear what she had to say. To be honest, before this event, I had my reservations about this lady. I had read her poetry and enjoyed most of it, but found some of it to be a bit racist, for lack of a better word. Here is an example of one of the poems that I was unsure of:
Balances

in life one is always balancing like we juggle our mothers against our fathers or one teacher against another (only to balance our grade average) 3 grains of salt to one ounce truth our sweet black essence or the funky honkies down the street and lately i've begun wondering if you're trying to tell me something we used to talk all night and do things alone together and i've begun (as a reaction to a feeling) to balance the pleasure of loneliness against the pain of loving you

I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at the hall. I was worried that this would be a white bashing event. That I couldn't have stood for. For those who don't know much about this author and poet, she is known for her fight for civil rights. She grew up, for the most part, in the south, in the sixties. She witnessed a lot of injustice in her life and is not afraid to speak out against it. Seeing her in action, I began to better understand her.  While some of her comments may border on racism, I don't think that is her intent. I think it is more of her trying to explain what it is that she has witnessed and her expression of a general viewpoint of certain moments in her life. She writes about life experiences as she saw them in that moment, depending on the what was going on and when it was occurring. There could be a lot of factors playing into her choice of words.  I don't believe she was generalizing. As she approached the microphone and began to speak, humbleness radiated. She was hilarious in her speech and said what she felt without holding back. While I had already had respect for her, this event roused in me a bigger sense of understanding. The speech was filtrated with her opinions on current events as well as past issues. She had a lot to say about our current president, and while I don't necessarily agree with everything she said, it was refreshing to hear such honest opposing opinions that could be backed up. Another fascinating part of her presentation, a part that I found most interesting, was her personal relationship with Rosa Parks. She was able to give us a second had re-account of what went on that fateful day. It was incredible to be so close to history. I truly enjoyed every moment and wish it hadn't ended so soon. I left the event inspired and excited about life and what role I could play in this world. It came at the perfect moment and I thank her for that. Thanks Nikki Giovanni! As she left us with her poem she wrote to commemorate Martin Luther King, I leave you with it as well.

In The Spirit of Martin:

   This is a sacred poem…blood has been shed to consecrate it…
wash your hands…remove your shoes…bow your head…I…I…I Have a Dream

   That was a magical time…Hi Ho Silver Away…
Oh Cisco/Oh Pancho…Here I Come To Save The Day…
I want the World to see what they did to my boy…
   No No No I’m not going to move…If we are Wrong…then the Constitution of the United States is Wrong…Montgomery…Birmingham…Selma…Four little Girls…
  Constant Threats…Constant Harassment…Constant Fear…
        SCLC…Ralph and Martin…Father Knows Best…
Leave It To Beaver…ED SULLIVAN…How Long…Not Long

But what…Mr. Thoreau said to Mr. Emerson…are you doing out?

       This is a Letter from Birmingham City Jail…
This is a eulogy for Albany…This is a water hose for Anniston…
   This is a Thank You to Diane Nash…
        This is a flag for James Farmer…
      This is a HowCanIMakeItWithoutYou to Ella Baker…
This is for the red clay of Georgia that yielded black men of courage…
          black men of vision…black men of hope…
      bent over cotton…or sweet potatoes…or pool tables and
 baseball diamonds…playing for a chance to live free and
   breathe easy and have enough money to take care of
the folks they love…This is Why We Can’t Wait      

          That swirling Mississippi wind…the Alabama pine…
that Tennessee dust defiling the clothes the women washed…
    thosehotwinds…the lemonade couldn’t cool…
 that let the women know…we too must overcome…
     this is for Fannie Lou Hamer…Jo Ann Robinson…
  Septima Clark…Daisy Bates…All the women who said
Baby Baby Baby I know you didn’t mean to lose your job…
        I know you didn’t mean to hit me…
 I know the Lord is going to make a way…           I know I’m Leaning On The Everlasting Arms           

           How much pressure…does the Earth exert on carbon…
to make a diamond…How long does the soil push against the flesh…
      molding… molding…molding the moan that becomes a cry that
bursts forth crystalline…unbreakable…priceless…incomparable Martin…
    I Made My Vow To The Lord That I Never Would Turn Back…
How much pressure do the sins of the world press
 against the heart of a man who becomes the voice of his people…
       He should have had a tattoo, you know…Freedom Now…
 or something like that…should have braided his hair…
    carried his pool cue in a mahogany case…
wafted that wonderful laugh over a plate of skillet fried chicken…
         drop biscuits…dandelion greens on the side           

This is a sacred poem…open your arms…turn your palms up…
      feel the Spirit of Greatness…and be redeemed

~Brownie Byte~

Miss Ya Brownie Byte!!!

You have no idea girl! I always find myself wanting to call you to go for a drive or send you a text when I see someone doing something stupid..it's not as fun to hate on these little girls without ya....and I can't forget when I see a can of Pringles, I almost cry ;) lol only me and would eat an entire can then leave it in the store! Haha!! As much as I miss you, I know you need to do your thang! And what you're doing is for the best, don't doubt your decision!!! I love ya girl and I'll see ya soon!!! 

Don't forget about lil 'ol JB! 

Muchos Besos, loca!

~Dizzy With Helplessness~

What is the point? This is the question that has been haunting me lately. I NEVER thought I would get to this point; to a place where I was so tired of everything. Maybe tired isn't the word for it, it's more like confused and lost. Life is so mundane, so joyless. I know that I am the one who is responsible for my own happiness, but it is getting more difficult as each day passes. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. When I look in the mirror, all I see is a hopeless woman, lost to herself as well as to the world. I don't recognize myself anymore, much less the people around me. The key players surrounding me are so unfamiliar. It can be scary at times. I don't know how to turn myself back around. I'm dizzy with helplessness. I feel disgusted with myself for even feeling like this. I am alive and healthy and there are people who are in worse situations than I, but I just can't seem to shake this feeling. I know I will get there, I just wonder when. It has to get better...right??

~I'm Tired~

I'm tired. I'm tired of not knowing what I want to do with my life; I'm tired of crying; I'm tired of seeing people suffer; I'm tired of not having a job; I'm tired of being confused; I'm tired of hurting; I'm tired of selfishness; I'm tired of the same old lies; I'm tired of my attitude; I'm tired of not knowing who I am anymore; I'm tired of giving everything to someone who gives me nothing; I'm tired of hurting people; I'm tired of procrastinating; I'm tired of seeing tragedies all over the world; I'm tired of feeling weak; I'm tired of death; I'm tired of nosy people; I'm tired of seeing children go hungry; I'm tired of disappointing love; I'm tired of my weight; I'm tired of being scared; I'm tired of government corruption; I'm tired of overpriced schooling; I'm tired of giving in; I'm tired of paying student loans; I'm tired of abusive people; I'm tired of not supporting myself; I'm tired of this town; I'm tired of him; I'm tired of not being able to sleep at night; I'm tired of sickness; I'm tired of making mistakes; I'm tired of seeing friends go; I'm tired of caring; I'm tired of being tired.

To be continued....

~There Is A Stranger In My House~

There is a stranger in my house.( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcGzLc9mgV8&feature=related ) I remember loving that song when it came out, but I guess I never really thought about the meaning behind the lyrics. I knew it was emotional and powerful, (yeah, I'm a sap and if it makes me cry, I like it) and I thought I knew what she was talking about, but the truth is I had no idea what that felt like. That is, until last Saturday. After being away for a week and a half, I came back to what I currently consider home to find mi papi waiting for me with arms open and muchos besos. :) I can't lie, it felt good, too good. I had been longing for that look, for that kiss, for that touch. It had been too long! When I least expected it, it found me. It sounds romantic and sweet, right? Right. That is what it was. I give him all the credit on that one. I appreciated the effort and the attention and it had come at a really good time, I needed it then more than ever. However these sweet moments had been few and far between lately. While being there, taking in the moment, cuddling with mi papi, a bizarre feeling came over me. A feeling that had been developing for some time now. A feeling that I had refused to accept. Unfortunately, little by little, day by day, the distance had slowly grown. As I looked at him I started to wonder just who was this man that held my hand? I mean, I know every inch of his face; every curve, every crease, every line. Yet, through all the familiarity, I found that I no longer recognized him. Had we really come so far as to be so unfamiliar with each other, to have lost everything we had worked so hard for? Will we continue to distance ourselves to the point that we pass each other in the street without an acknowledgement? Is this the way love dies, so slowly and painfully? Is this really the end?

~Painted Daydreams~

What's left of me? What's left of that girl I once was? Was it really even me sitting in the back row of class, shying away from life? Was she real? So timid and scared of everything and of everybody. When I think back on those days I feel as though it were a movie, as though another person was playing my role. I was so naive as I patiently waited for life to happen to me. They were such innocent days that passed by, one by one, without a care in the world. I was that young girl who you'd find outside, lying in the soft grass on the hill behind my house twirling a crisp green blade between my fingers while staring at the blue sky. That sky was the canvas upon which I painted my daydreams. Each cloud told a story while forming the constantly moving pictures of future days. I transported myself aboard each tiny airplane as it slowly flew by, all the while planning out my imaginary itenerary for the next exotic destination that I would reach when it finally descended. Some days I would give my imagination a break and dive into an already written tale. With each book I took on a different character, taking over their lives and stealing their adventures. If I was feeling particularly greedy, I would take on two personas at a time, combining the best attributes of each character and leaving the 'not so great' ones in the story. It was a creative time for me, but I didn't realize that my creativity was constantly being stifled by doubts in myself and my abilities. I don't only speak of artistic abilities, but life abilities as well. Sure, I had a million and three dreams to go along with my thousands of fantasies but I never believed they could ever be brought to real life. All those imagined plane rides to Europe, Asia, and South America quenched a temporary thirst, but when reality hit, I shrunk back a bit into the idea that it could never happen to me. I had no life experience topped with a healty dose of insecurities. That combination rendered me helpless...or so I once thought.
Thinking back now on that idea, on my mindset all those years ago, brings me to my question today. Where did that 'me' go? When did I finally realize that I COULD have all of those things? As I think back on these last several years, not only one defining moment stands out to me. I can only conclude that a series of events and influences had to have contributed to my drastic change. It sounds simple and rational enough, but when I think about who I was before, I wonder, why me? So many people have those same dreams and aspirations as a young person, why was I able to see some of them through? This underlying difference in my past and present selves is what brings about these questions. It is a liberating sensation to actually see and feel my dreams into reality. That first REAL plane ride as it descends into a foreign country, that spray of the ocean against my face as my feet sink into the moist sand, that exhileration of having to start from scatch, again, and reinvent myself to fit the current, distint, culture. I may not understand fully why God has blessed me with so many amazing experiences, I may occasionally contemplate what I did to deserve this, but I will never take it for granted. As the quote goes: ~Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.~ I must humble myself daily and give thanks for each sweet breath that I am given. Where has the old 'me' gone? I am still here, still painting that vast blue canvas with future plans; This time, however, I'm doing my best to bring them to life, and enjoying every blessed moment of it.

~I Miss You~

(Image Translation: "Being so close, yet so far away")

Good Morning! I greeted myself as I rubbed my sleepy eyes. Not such a good morning. There haven't been too many of those lately. Just me and my pillow shared my dreams last night. Just me and the blanket cuddled to keep warm. The saddest part of it all? There had been a warm body beside me, but one that didn't greet me, one that didn't touch me, one that didn't love me anymore. Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and you can't have them? This situation is killing me. The distance between us is so great yet encompasses such a small space. Just at an arms length, he might as well be across the ocean. We used to be unstoppable. Don't get me wrong, we are still in motion, but this time we are headed in different directions. I'm fighting it..I refuse to accept it. The moment I can't feel him under my fingertips, I miss him like crazy. Yet when I am around him, my heart aches. He stays closed up and distant; cold at times. He is no longer openly vulnerable with me. No more late night talks of fears, future plans and aspirations. No more passing touches, a subtle greeting in a crowd of people. No more 'besitos' distracting his game 'til I drive him crazy. Right now he is only physically here, right across the room, focused on the game as I write this post. Am I fighting a losing battle? Perhaps, but I will exhaust my armada of love; I will not give up that easily. I love him.

~Hello 2010~

Well, 2010 has started and the 'New Year' fairy has yet to magically find me a job, make me thinner, or make everything better overall. Things are continuing on as they had before, day by day. I'm still looking for my dream job(really, any job would do at this point) I'm still trying out new work out programs, trying to find a healthier version of me. I'm still hopeful to find love; either reviving an old one, or opening up to something new. All in all, eleven days later, most outlets of my life have stayed the same.


Unfortunately, in all the monotony of my everyday life, one big event has occurred. My father fell sick. This is big because he NEVER gets sick. A little over a week ago, I recieved a phone call telling me that my dad had checked himself into the hospital. I can't remember my dad ever going to the hospital, not once in my entire childhood. That statement in itself scared me quite a bit. My three hour drive to the hospital had my mind racing. Thoughts under distress can get a little crazy, everything from best case, to worst case, scenarios played over and over in my mind. I arrived to find him already taken back to prep for surgery. After misdiagnosing him, twice, he was rushed back for an emergency operation. My thanks goes to God for him coming out of it ok. He was in obvious pain, but seemed much more relaxed than before the surgery. A week later, and he is still in the hospital, but he is looking so much better! God is good, even if it makes doctors look dumb with their misdiagnosis. I'll take that anyday, as long as it works out in the end.
Needless to say, the year hasn't started out as well as I had wanted, but I can't complain. I may not be rich or super model thin, but I have my family, friends and health. I could not ask for more! :)

~Goodbye 2009~

2009 has come and gone. Can you believe it!? Time seems to be flying a little faster these days. Bringing in 2010 last night, surrounded by good friends, amazing food, and dance-alicious music, made me think about past new year celebrations and how different life was in each scenario. Last year's celebration was the freshest in my memory. It was my first new year celebration overseas. A good friend of mine had invited me to spend the holiday with his family. It was a very interesting experience, in that, spanish tradition varies from our own. The night starts out with dinner with the family. The table was laid out with fresh bread, jamon, shrimp, chorizo, salad, wine, etc...healthy and delicious!! After filling ourselves with food and conversation, we cleaned up a bit and prepared for the countdown. Mama B decorated us with red bows, following the 'must wear something red' custom. Us ladies pinned it in our hair as we made bow ties for the fellas. As the clock ticked, grapes and champagne were passed around. Yes, I said grapes. It is tradition in Spain to eat twelve grapes, one grape for each of the first twelve seconds of the new year. This is done for luck. As it got closer to midnight, we prepared ourselves by grabbing the first grape and holding it close to our mouths. You had to be quick! Twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year! Cheers, kisses, and greetings are passed around. Being completely honest, I got a little choked up. There was a strong sense of family and I was overwhelmed by that feeling. It was nice to be a part of it. After greeting each other, we headed to the roof of the apartment building to watch the town celebrate. Firetrucks had their sirens going off, lights were flashing, and fireworks were being set off. It sounded as though chaos had broken loose. If it hadn't been a holiday, I would have been a little scared. After greeting the neighbors on the roof, we made our way back to the house to get ready to go out. Tradition is to spend the first part of the night with your family, then after the countdown, everyone meets up with friends to party. Dressed to impress, we met up with the group in a plaza nearby. From there we bar hopped and danced until dawn. That is another thing about Spain, when you go out, you are out until you see the sun rise.


It was completely different from last night's party. To bring in 2010 a group of us went to Memphis. A Cameroonian association from the city hosts the annual get together. One of our friends belongs to the association and invited all of us so that we could all celebrate together with good food and music. We arrived at the large house where the function was being hosted around eleven p.m. We entered and greeted everyone and then anxiously awaited the new year. Champagne glasses, festive hats, and noisemakers were passed around to the growing crowd. Music accompanied us as we awaited the countdown. There were children joining in the dancing after their initial shyness wore off. One little boy who wouldn't have anything to do with us at first, refused to be shown up by his small female counterpart when she took the floor and tried to show us who was boss. They ended up dancing together, stopping the adults in their tracks. There was no competing. :)
With three minutes to go the crowd turned their attention to their friends and or couple. With eyes on the television and constant updates of the countdown being shouted over the chatter, the excitement began to rise, well at least it did for me. This was the first time, in almost five years, that I would be celebrating with mi papi, and the second time EVER that I would have my new year kiss! Needless to say, I was ready for the clock to strike twelve.