~Valentine's Day~

Bah Humbug!! ;) So I'm a little bitter. V-Day has never been that special to me. As far as celebrating it, I can't recall a fond memory in doing so. My first love was always out of the country with the military, so no romantic evenings there. I do recall going to dinner once with someone I loved very dearly. I tried lying to myself, pretending it was a romantic notion on his part, when in fact it was nothing like that. He was sleeping with someone else at the time, so now that I'm a bit more clear headed, I realize that lovely dinner meant nothing. Last year topped the cake. It is, actually, the V-Day that keeps playing in my head.

I was in Spain at the time. We had just moved into our new apartment and we were settling in comfortably. All of us chicas stayed at my place the night before since we were all, either single, or far away from our loves. That was the case for me. I'll get more into that in a minute. The day started off sweet, when a friend of ours brought us a delicious breakfast, complete with coffee. (Oh how I miss the coffee in Spain.) Back on point...After eating, we put on the music station on the TV to set the day. Of course, all of the selections were romantic and sappy. Normally I like that type of music, but for some reason, I found myself extremely sad that particular morning. I don't remember what song came on, but out of nowhere I just burst into tears. Not a few glistening drops down my cheek, but body shaking sobs. Everyone tried consoling me and they all were thinking that it had to do with the fact that it was Valentine's Day and my boyfriend was thousand miles away in the US. I, too, figured that was what my problem had to be, considering that I had no other reason to be sad. After my little episode, one of the girls, Tere, and I decided to take a walk on the beach to try and refresh my mood. It ended up being a three hour walk that involved downtown, the boardwalk, and a castle. Only in Europe. The walk was nice, but I couldn't shake the sadness. Thoughts of my family continued to pass through my mind.

Coming down off the hill where the castle was constructed, we were stopped by a man who was selling hand-made jewelry. We weren't interested in buying his product, but something about him reminded me of my father. I couldn't put my finger on it since he looked nothing like my father, but whatever it was, pulled me to glance back at him until he was out of my line of sight. We continued on our way home, tired and ready for a rest. We chose the boardwalk as our scenery and followed it for several miles. As we got closer to my apartment, I looked up to see an older man wearing a crazy green hat. This man looked exactly like my grandfather, a bit shorter, but just like him nonetheless. I commented on this to Tere, saying that he was a replica of my grandfather except for that hat. My grandfather would never wear that hat!

We continued on.

We separated from each other at one point, going to our prospective apartments to rest and clean up for dinner later that evening. Once I made it home I set out to clean the apartment before showering. I was alone in the house so I decided to put on some music. I hardly ever listen to 80s rock, but since my family had taken over my thoughts, I chose Def Leopard as background music. Growing up, my mom would clean the house while listening to 80s rock, so it reminded me of her. I enjoyed jamming to my once favorite song, 'Pour Some Sugar On Me'.  The 'Vault' album was my favorite from the group. My thoughts bounced from my mom to mi papi. I hadn't heard from him yet that day, but it was still rather early in the US, so I was patiently waiting. I sent him a racy valentine's text and went about my cleaning. I knew it would make him smile.

After I finished cleaning, I showered and got ready for that evenings' dinner with the girls. Putting on the finishing touches; makeup and jewelry; my phone finally rang...It was mi papi! He was calling to wish me a Happy Valentine's day and tell me how much he missed me. I reciprocated. I missed him terribly...especially on that day of love. It had been 5 months since I last saw him and the distance was painful. Nonetheless, our love stayed strong and we talked every chance we got. After reluctantly hanging up with him, smile on my face, mixed emotions in my heart, I headed out to meet the girls.

We all met at Eli's house where she had prepared an amazing dinner of paella and wine. Typical Spanish, and I loved every savory bite! My heart was still heavy, but the night was lightened with laughs and vino. As we cleaned up after dinner, we made specific plans for our girls night out. What to wear, where we would meet, what time, etc... With all of the 'important' decisions made, we relaxed and spread out throughout the house. I decided to check my email for the day and write to my family and friends back home to wish them a good day. When I logged into my email, I saw that one of my sisters had written me on Myspace. I rarely use Myspace anymore, but still have it because of some family members. It was odd that she would write me on that site, so I decided to check it out. I logged on and read the email.

'Today is Wednesday. Pap passed away.'

Short but gut wrenching. My grandfather had passed away unexpectedly three days prior. I had no idea. I lost it. The girls came in, confused and trying to comfort me. Luckily, Eli had an international phone card and let me use it to call my mom. I didn't know what to think or how to react. All I could do was cry. Mom confirmed it and told me that the funeral was that next day or so. I was shaking. It was all so unreal. I had been lucky to have never had to go through the death of a loved one. Obviously I wouldn't be able to make it to the funeral, since I was in Europe with little money, and that devastated me. After hanging up with my mom, I called mi papi. I needed comforting. He listened to me and did what he could to comfort me. All I wanted was to be there so he could hold me, but that wasn't possible. He was great though, he was there for me the best way he knew how. The rest of the night is an emotional blur. Somehow I made it home, and the girls met at my place to get ready for the night out. They tried talking me into going, to keep my mind off of what had occurred, but I tried, and I just knew that if I were to go out, that I would be miserable and be a downer on the rest of the group. I just wanted to go to bed and forget what had happened. A good friend, Tracy, my only American friend in Spain, stayed with me until my eyes grew heavy. It was an emotional day from beginning to the end. That night, I realized why I had been so sad all day. I guess, subconsciously, I knew something was wrong. I thought back to that man on the boardwalk. The 'grandfather lookalike' with the green hat. A year later, I still can't believe it.

Needless to say, Valentine's Day does not hold a special place in my heart. I'm usually sad and/or bitter from past loves. Now it reminds me of my pap which is bittersweet in itself. Today hasn't exactly went as I planned or hoped for, but it's not been that bad. I just pretend it is a regular day. The rational side of me dislikes the consumer marketing of the holiday and what it has turned it into, but the hopeless romantic that dwells within secretly wishes to get a corny card, flowers, or stuffed animal. I want to believe in love again, and I want to celebrate it, but until that miracle happens, I will do what I always do...try and forget it even exists.